Out With the Old...

This was kind of a weird year.  It started off so well.  I felt like I was on the right track to becoming the person that I wanted to be...better, and wiser, and softer, and on top of my shit.  But the year seemed to turn into "one step forward, two steps back..." (Well, maybe two steps forward, one step back) as it tends to happen on a personal journey. I started the year well and then totally regressed and went off track and only now FINALLY feel like I am back where I started...kinda like this whole year didn't happen.  Don't get me wrong, a lot of awesome things happened this year...I worked a lot, saw my family a bunch, made some great new friends, reconnected with some old friends as well.  But on a personal level, I am not sad to see this year go...

So I thought that instead of going on and on about my year, I'd just throw out some things that I thought were awesome in 2014... 

1. Warsan Shire

I guess technically I came across this British-Somali poet last year, but my love of her work really blossomed in 2014. Something about the way she writes and the emotions and situations she talks about really gets me right in the feelings. I could post Warsan Shire quotes all day, but I'll just drop one of my favorites on you and strongly encourage you to look into her...

"the year of letting go, of understanding loss. grace. of the word ‘no’ and also being able to say ‘you are not kind’. the year of humanity/humility. when the whole world couldn’t get out of bed. everyone i’ve met this year, says the same thing ‘you are so easy to be around, how do you do that?’. the year i broke open and dug out all the rot with own hands. the year i learnt small talk. and how to smile at strangers. the year i understood that i am my best when i reach out and ask ‘do you want to be my friend?’. the year of sugar, everywhere. softness. sweetness. honey honey. the year of being alone, and learning how much i like it. the year of hugging people i don’t know, because i want to know them. the year i made peace and love, right here."

Started my year with this poem, and starting the next one with it too...

2. Tank and the Bangas -"Think Tank"

I stumbled upon this New Orleans based band in kind of a roundabout way... One of the dancers on SYTYCD used their song "Oh Heart" in her audition and I just fell in love.  Some sleuthing on The Google lead me right to this album. 

Step 1: Go to Spotify

Step 2: Listen to "Oh Heart"

Step 3: Move on to "Walmart"

Step 4: Live. Your. Life.

3. Hand Lettering

I like to make things. I've been making stationary for a while now, painting, baking pies, knitting, etc etc etc.  Hand Lettering is my new creative obsession.  I'm not great at it yet, but I'm just starting.  Ask me again next NYE! :) and SPEAKING of pies...

4. Hoosier Mama Pie Book

My mom got me this new book for Christmas!  So far I made the Chicken Pot Pie, but I'm really excited to step up my pie game when I get home. Banana Cream, maybe?  I'm gonna be making a ton of pies this winter.  I may need some taste testers- any volunteers??

5. Thai Food

This isn't new.  It's just a very big part of my life.

6. Jim Harbaugh 

I am so, so happy about this!  Maybe you have to be Michigan fan to really get it, but this is huge!! Harbaugh coming back to the Wolverines is really great for a struggling program with a huge storied legacy, it's awesome for the lackluster Big 10...it's just good for football!  I guess we'll have to wait and see how this all plays out, but for the first time in a long time I'm excited for college football to come around again!  And for a sports fan, that is everything....

7. Champagne 

Again, nothing new here.  But this year was definitely brought to you by champagne.

So yeah, I'm just gonna leave that riiiiiiight there... Happy New Years, everyone!  Lots to be excited for in 2015! 

-e

Turn, Turn, Turn

I cannot BELIEVE that it is December!!  Time is just flying by these days...  It seams like people dread the coming of winter, or maybe people just love the camaraderie of complaining, but it is one of my favorite times of year.  I could never imagine living in a place that didn't have 4 separate seasons.  Is there anything better than that first Spring day that you can ditch your coat and rock that sundress (with an accessory of goose bumps, cause let's be honest...it's not QUITE warm enough for that yet.)?  Or the first middle of the day margarita with your friends in the summer?  Or how about that week that the city smells less like hot garbage and suddenly there is a crispness, a new-ness in the Autumn air?  Or, come one, that first beautiful snow!  That is my favorite.  There is nothing quite as magical as that, I don't care how much you "bah humbug" me...

Last year, I spent my fall and most of my winter doing a show down in Florida, wearing shorts and chilling on the beach.  Poor me.  And while I wasn't sad to miss the ensuing "Polar Vortex" that was to come, I did REALLY miss the wonderful transition from Summer to Fall to Winter.  I love the time from Thanksgiving to Christmas...  Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays.  It encompasses so many of my favorite things...Baking, entertaining, day drinking, eating copious amounts of food, friends/family, football, and falling asleep by 9pm.  BOOM.  And everyone knows that the day after Thanksgiving is the day that the Christmas season really starts!  Growing up, my family always went to Sinnissippi Christmas Tree Farm the weekend after TGives to cut down a tree and I have such fond memories of that.  Apple cider and doughnuts, clomping around in the mud, pushing each other into trees, being all bundled up, finding the PERFECT tree...  And that's also the weekend that it becomes acceptable to break out the Christmas tunes and unpack all of the ornaments and decorations.  It's beautiful, it's fresh, it's sparkling, and somehow just the right amount of all the bittersweet feelings (Bittersweet? Listen to "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" -  the Judy Garland, Meet Me in St Louis version.  I rest my case!)

Despite no one smiling, we all really had a great time. I swear.
Everyone was just really focused on eating.  

Last year, I got none of it!  It's just not the same in Florida when you go to a restaurant for Thanksgiving, buy a mini-tree from Wal-Mart and spend Christmas on the beach eating Chinese Food.  This year, all of my Rabid Martha Stewart Apartment Decorating had to be put on hold yet again, what with being on tour and all.   However, I did get to go home to New York this Thanksgiving which was just as great.  For the past few years, my friend Kris has been having us over for the BEST FriendsGiving and it's always amazing.  Smoked Turkeys, way too much food, so many laughs...its awesome.  And this year may have been the best yet!  Plus, Sarah, Vinny, Ashley, Ashley's Mom Mary, and I all headed up to Connecticut to cut down trees again.  This is the second time that we have been to Jones Family Farm and I can't recommend it enough.  They have SOOO many trees and it's super festive with gorgeous views, a Holiday Market, Wine Tasting and an outdoor bonfire.  Apparently, they also do pumpkin and berry picking the rest of the year...I'll have to get on that.  And then of course, we have the traditional trip to Olive Garden afterwards (no judgement.  Have you had the breadsticks lately??).  Lindsey was more of an "indoor girl" this year and she and Amber got their tree from the street corner so as not to have to commune with nature quite so much.  And they were nice to enough to let me help to decorate it with them while sipping some champs and watching White Christmas....Wonderful.  I was so happy to get my holiday groove on during my Thanksgiving layoff.  PLUS, I asked my parents to wait to decorate their tree til I got home for my Christmas Layoff.  My THREE WEEK Christmas Layoff! (Odd mixture of "yikes!" and "yay!") My mom was happy to oblige and she is super excited to have a helper for Christmas cookies again finally... Yeah, I have a feeling that I'm totally gonna get my fill of Christmas cheer this year!

When January and February roll around, you may have to remind me that I said I loved winter.  But this year has been so amazing and the good news and exciting surprises that keep rolling make me think that it's gonna take a lot more than some snow and chilly temps to wipe this smile off of my face!  (That's not a dare, Mother Nature!!)

-e

Post Election Day Blues

It's here!  One of my LEAST favorite days!  The morning after elections...  Not quite as bad as the months leading up to elections when everyone is forced to watch uncomfortable, scathing, childish political commercials that contain only droplets of truth but buckets of empty promises, but still... I went to bed last night watching NBC's "Decision 2014" election coverage, but I eventually had to turn it off.  It makes me SO mad.  First of all, it is just another example of the terrible 24 hour news cycle that we've become accustomed to (I won't even get into that...).  It's just HOURS of watching people speculate on what the outcome MIGHT be and what the implications of that supposed outcome MIGHT be.  And then secondly, they have the most uncomfortable interviews I've ever heard... "So, [Generic Politician],  it's REALLY looking like you are going to lose.  The polls are 36% counted and it's not looking good...Thoughts?"  Just brutal.  And unnecessary.  These news sources just thrive on any sort of drama that they can cause/find/report on.  So yeah, **CLICK**, let's just switch the channel to this rerun of "Property Brothers" on HGTV....

I woke up this morning feeling good.  I got 8 actual hours of sleep, actually drank enough water and ate a few vegetables yesterday... So far, so good. Then I popped onto Facebook.  And there were all of the political statuses and almost all were containing an air of disappointment, sadness, anger or fear.  And how can I blame them?  I tend to lean to the Democratic side of things for the most part, and so do many of my of my Facebook friends, so I understand those feeling.  And I, too, feel the disappointment and helplessness...but I don't only feel those things because of this year's midterm outcomes. The entirety of it all really bums me out.  The general apathy bums me out...and I am a part of it.  How do you make a decision that you feel passionately about and put your push behind someone that you truly believe in when there doesn't seem to be a good choice to be had?   Every option is just 2 sides of the same shitty coin.  True, I like some candidates' promises more than others, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they are going to follow up on them or that they COULD even if they wanted to.  The system is so broken.  Even the "good" politicians seem to have their hands tied by political parties, by campaign contributors, by their own career ambitions...it's like one big traffic jam.  And Congress is the worst! Back when our Founding Fathers were setting up our new fledgling government, there was a much different outlook on being a public servant.  A PUBLIC SERVANT.  It wasn't a career.  Many of those men didn't want to be in office for long periods of time.  They had other vocations and ambitions....inventors, lawyers, farmers, teachers...  Now, I'm not naive enough to think that those men were perfect by any means.  It was just a different outlook and they didn't anticipate the advent of the era of political parties.  These days, everyone is a slave to their party.  They have to tow the company line or else.  There is no option to mix it up and there is less and less grey area to be found.

And let's get back to Congress just generally being the worst.  I mean the Congressional recesses and vacations?? I mean, I get it...they need time to meet with their constituents etc., but do they really use it that way?  Or do they go to the Bahamas?  And who the hell gets to set their own six figure salaries?  PUBLIC. SERVANTS.  No wonder they are so out of touch with ordinary citizens.  They quickly lose interest in serving and start worrying about their careers.  But the worst part?  The worst part is that so much of the time, they are more worried about making another member or political party look bad than actually trying to fix the problems of the country.

I didn't mean to make this in a rant.  I just have to shake my head on days like this day.  The days you realize that the outcome could have been different, but not different enough.  I know it's not easy, this is a huge country and always has been difficult to bring together and unite.  But no one seems to be trying to do anything but polarize, tear down and finger point.  And EVERYONE is disappointed. Because nobody wins.

-e

On The Road Again

Here we are, back on the road...  A couple of weeks ago, I left New York and set out on the SMOKEY JOE'S CAFE tour.  A new adventure.  It was a bit of an odd situation, since most of us had already done the production at The Gateway over the summer, but there were a few people from that production that either didn't want to or couldn't continue on with the tour, so we had 5 new people (3 on stage tracks + 2 swing tracks) learn the show, as well as a new Stage Manager, a new-ish Musical Director and some new band members.  That made rehearsal and tech a little lopsided at times, but by our opening night, things were mostly on track.

I knew going into this production that is was going to be a challenging contract, but sometimes you have to do them anyway...to get back on top of your finances, get your Equity Health weeks in, because you love the show, because you need some time away, because you love the people you are performing with, who knows... and it has definitely been challenging.  It's been a lot of cities in a little time... I counted at some point and I think that we had either stopped in or passed through 15 states in one week.  So yeah.  That's a lot of time on a bus.  Or in an airport.  If there are two things that I love and honor, it's my need for occasional (occasional+...habitual??) solitude and my penchant to nest...now, those are two luxuries that aren't abundantly available with this type of schedule.  But like I said, I knew that it was going to be challenging...

And the funny thing, I actually think that it hasn't been that bad.  I started enjoying my time on the bus after I decided I didn't need to sleep the whole time away.  Since when do I need 12 hour of sleep a day?  It just made me feel grungy and groggy.  Instead I've spent most of my time knitting (thank you Sadie for teaching me and giving me a challenging pattern so that I don't get bored!!), writing and as soon as I find the charging cord for my Kindle, I'm gonna get back to that long book list I have.  It's also pretty incredible to see the things that pass by the windows of a bus while you're making your way across the country...from the changing leaves on the mountains of Vermont to the huge herds of cattle grazing in the fields of Texas.

I also love hotel living.  I'm not quite sure why, actually.  Is it the continuously clean linens?  The tiny shampoos (I love anything miniature or giant sized...)?  Cable TV?  Who knows...maybe it's something intangible that I haven't quite pinned down yet.  But I do love it.  It ironically feels like home.  Or maybe it's the fact that it doesn't feel like home...more like freedom or vacation.  And after this week, we should start to move a little (a LITTLE) less and stay a little longer in the hotels (sometimes)...maybe I'll even get to take some things out of my suitcase and nest a bit. :) Oh, and a free gym.  There's always a free gym at the hotel...and I've even started using it!

The show itself makes this schedule a bit easier.  First of all, the show comes in at a swift 1hr 45min.  Wham bam, thank you ma'am, on the bus to the hotel.  Plus my track is pretty easy.  Sing a few songs, dance a couple of dances...let everyone else do the rest of the work.  (The last time I was on tour, it was with HAIRSPRAY and I essentially spent two and a half hours running and jumping up and down.  It was exhausting.  Super fun! ....but exhausting.)  We had a few hiccups with our tech in the first few performances - the joys of changing theatres every night! - but that has since eased.  Knock on wood!

One of the reasons that I, personally, decided to take this tour was to get away.  I love exploring new places, I love leaving the "busy" behind, and I love having time to take care of myself...the last often takes on a different meaning each day.  So hopefully the upcoming weeks will make that easier, but more importantly, I need to start taking that time for myself.  Starting with cozying up on this rainy day and watching the Lifetime Original Movie that's about to come on.... ;)

-e

PS:  I was just reminded that a year ago today, I was just about to open THE PRIMADONETTES in Sarasota, FL.  I was just about to spend months watching sunsets, eating delicious seafood, singing iconic songs, getting in the best shape of my life, attending Selva Sundays, and slowing and arduously evolving into a new version of myself.  Oh, where has the time gone this year??  How does it go so fast and yet contain so many events and twists and turns?  How are we back here yet again?

"Time is free, 

but it is priceless.

You can't own it,

but you can use it.

You can't keep it,

but you can spend it.

Once you've lost it, 

you can never get it back."

...but that's a whole other post!

Extended Midwest Vacation!

Alright, I think that most people in the NYC area might agree that I've been pretty MIA for the last couple of months...but it's with good reason! Back in June I did a show out at the Gateway called SMOKEY JOE'S CAFE, an experience that was honestly one of the best times I've ever had, with some of the most wonderful people I've ever met, doing a show that is very near and dear to my heart.   That same production is headed out on tour!  However, I had a couple of months in between to play with.  Most of that I spent in the city working at The Skylark, but honestly the money there was just not what it should be.  SOOOO, I decided that it would be a better option for September to just sublet my apartment a month early and head home for a couple of weeks.  I don't think that it's ever been a secret that New York City gets on my nerves sometimes....the over-crowdedness, the smell, the cost, the dirt, the grind.  I love NY, but I LOVE to leave NY too.  So instead of just working to pay rent, I went home and ate all of my parents' food. :)

My extended trip home was much, much needed.  It's been so long since I've had very much time at home without a wedding or a holiday or other event...and it is SO nice to wake up and literally have nothing that I have to do that day.  NOTHING.  No responsibilities, no plans, no nothing.  I spent a lot of time bike riding on the bike path along the river, exploring places that I haven't been since I was a kid - Pottawatomie Park, Island Park, the Japanese Garden, the Fabayan Windmill - and places that I never knew existed either.  I hung out in downtown Geneva a bit, which has actually become an awesome little downtown with new wine bars, chocolate shops, boutiques, trendy restaurants, outdoor seating and festivals (I finally got to enjoy Festival of the Vine...I did NOT appreciate the joy of a wine fest in my youth!).



It was also so great to spend time with my family.  I made a lot of meals and watched a lot of football with my mom and dad.  I also got to spend time with Ryan and Sadie and Abby, which I love.  Sadie was helping me learn to knit (made much more difficult by a previous few rounds of beer...haha) - I'll post a picture when my first project gets a little farther a long!!  It was also so fun to spend time with my niece, Abby.  It's great to get to a point where she is comfortable with me and knows me and has fun with me.  It's hard to form a relationship with a 2 year old when you live hundreds of miles away and only see each other for a few hours at a time once every few months... Makes me very happy to hear her call me "Auntie" or "Eein" when I walk in the door! And she's such a sweet little girl, I just love getting to spend time with her...



What else did I do for 3 weeks?  I went to the library, worked out at my parents gym, went out to eat, took a side trip to Ann Arbor for a Michigan game,  drove down to Starved Rock for some hiking and nature, baked pies, went shopping with my mom, caught up with old friends, met my dad for lunch, watched HGTV, slept 9 hours a night, woke up at a decent time every day, and generally felt healthy, happy and renewed.  It was awesome.  And just what my sanity needed before I popped back to NYC for a couple of days of rehearsal before heading out on the SMOKEY JOE'S CAFE tour....but THAT'S a whole other post! :)

There's No Place Like Home

Okay, okay...this is a little bit of a late update, but things in NYC are super busy, as always.  And THAT, my friends, is precisely the reason that being home for a whole week last week was such an amazing luxury!  There were a few events that were on consecutive weekends, so I decided to just bite the bullet and take an extended trip home.  Although I have to admit, I always say that I need a break from the hectic lifestyle that everyone seems to have in the city and that I just want to relax when I'm home, but I, never fail,  somehow manage to cram my whole trip full of plans and people and food and events. Not that I'm complaining...

ABBY TURNS 2!!!

The first weekend's event was the 2nd birthday of my amazing little niece, Abby!! Wow, does time fly!  I know that people say that all the time, but, I mean, it is TRUE.  I saw her just a couple of months ago when I was home for my cousin Meg's wedding, but now she's actually a real live human little PERSON.  She understands and responds when you talk to her, she knows people's names (or at least some version of it..."Eeean?"  I'll take it!!), she has favorite toys (her Owie and any sort of mylar balloon) and TV shows (Mickey Mouse, duh!), she has opinions (watermelon=TOPS)...  she is officially not a baby anymore! And the person she is becoming is pretty rad.  The party itself was pretty awesome too.  I got to see a lot of people that I hadn't seen in forever, the food was great (If you go hungry at one of our family events, you're doing it wrong...), and it's always fun to see a bunch of toddlers getting knocked over by big dogs and trying to stuff toys in their diapers.  I also really relish the opportunity to spend more time with my brother and my sister-in-law...our lives are so different and we live so far apart that we don't get to see each other often enough and when we do, it's so quick and hurried.... but I miss them (and the rest of my family) a lot when I'm in New York.

"Where are the horses??"

I also took Abby for the day on Monday when everyone was working which was super fun.  Nice to have some one on one time with her and take her to the park and do some playing.  I will MAKE her know me, dammit!! :) My dad also joined us for a lot of the day...and Abby sure does love her Grandpa!  He's so good with her and makes he laugh so much!  Totally great day swinging and going down the slides and watching the ducks and trying out the new birthday tricycle...I think Abby's favorite part was watching the trains on the trestle going over the river with a ton of excitement and a hint of petrification.  Needless to say, Grandpa and Auntie were slightly exhausted after just one day chasing around an energetic two year old... and Auntie had to have a couple of glasses of wine.

Beautiful Wrigley Field

This is where it all went wrong...Good effort though, guys.

CUBS GAME AT WRIGLEY FIELD

I ALSO made it into the city to see one of my besties, Tara.  We've been friends since high school and have since never lived in the same state, but we've somehow managed to keep a great friendship and see each other fairly often.  Our love of Chicago sports just may be one of the ties that bind...  We used to go to Chicago Cubs games together a lot, but location (and the Cubs severe allergy to winning these days) have made it less frequent.  That same epic losing streak has also made the tickets a lot cheaper these days (although the Lovable Losers still somehow manage to bring in quite a few people consistently...must be the atmosphere and the Old Style.) so we decided to pick up a night game when I was in town.





Unfortunately, a rain deluge in the middle of the 5th and an "Oops!" moment from the Wrigley Field tarp crew caused a massive 4 1/2 hour delay that eventually ended in the Umps calling the game...Tara and I held out til about 12:30am before we called it a night.  Glad we did since they never ended up playing again!

Got this ungodly amazing Mac Attack Burger at ROCKIT before the game.  Frickin YUM.

KOONTZ LAKE, INDIANA



I luckily ended up making it out the Lake for a few days again this trip.  I love heading out to the lake house in Indiana cause it might truly be the only time and place that I don't feel like I have to DO anything.  Except EAT.  And drink Bud Light.  And cruise around the lake on the pontoon commenting on other people's cottages...This time it was just me and Mom and Dad and Grandpa (with a quick drive-by from Sarah).  Watched some preseason football and the Little League World Series, ate some corn on the cob, lay in the sun, took a quick trip to Amish Country and enjoyed some great thunderstorms.  Perfection.

Bouncy Castle at the the Fiesta.  Because OF COURSE!

BRENNA TURNS 30!!!!

The week ended with my cousin Brenna's big 30th birthday at their house in Libertyville! A Mexican Fiesta, naturally!  With the awesome taco truck and crew that they hired to feed us AND all of the food that people brought, again, no one went hungry.  I wish I could have stayed longer, but everyone knows that as soon as you book any sort of a plane ticket out of NYC, you agent calls with a great audition...So I ended up having to leave well before the end of the night to catch a flight back to the city.  ( I heard that there was some karaoke-ing, some staying up til 3am and some puking that happened later....but I won't name names. ;)





I could go on forever about my week at home, but I'll cut it short.  Oh wait! I also went out to Lincolnshire to see some friends of mine in ON THE TOWN at the Marriott there!  They were wonderful! Superstars!! So proud!  (SEE??  I can't stop making plans when I'm at home trying to relax!)  Of course it all felt too short, but it was wonderful none the less.  And I MIGHT be back sooner than later...more on that at a later date.

-e

PS:  Shout out to my parents who are ALWAYS so good to me, but especially when I'm at home....taking me out for dinner, scheduling me a dentist appointment, picking me up super early at the airport and taking off work just to hang out.  You guys are seriously the best!!

The Art of Letting Go

  Let's be honest. I have a pretty amazing life. It's mostly composed of flirting with handsome men (and sometimes they're even straight!), singing songs, going to new exciting places, meeting new people, and drinking at inappropriate times.  And that's great.  But there is a lot of the time that it is not so great...those men turned out to be cruel and unkind, those jobs that I really wanted ended up going to other people, and my bank account has hit rock bottom.  This has never been an easy career.  This has never been an easy city...not socially, not emotionally, and not financially.  But it is certainly exciting most of the time.

  I've found that this lifestyle has been both incredibly rewarding and incredibly painful.   You reach the highest heights and the lowest depths.  I tend to be a pretty happy person.  I have amazing friends, I have a great apartment, men like me, I love my neighborhood, I love my family, I'm nailing my haircut, my side job doesn't suck, I have a performing job waiting for me, there are at least 4 Thai Food joints in a block radius...things are good!  But again, things don't always turn out so rosy in this career...

One of the thing that I struggle with most in my life is the art of letting go. I find it to be incredibly difficult.  And I know that that many of my friends and colleagues don't feel the same way (while probably a lot do!). You make friends in a show, the job ends, and you move on.... But I have found that to be the most difficult part of being in this business.   Maybe the most difficult part of my life so far...

I remember being super attached to my stuffed animals as a child.  Like, SUPER attached.  I remember them being my best friends growing up. Those toys were my support group.  ...I remember thinking that my friends from elementary school were automatically going to be my friends at my new high school. I couldn't figure out why that wasn't the case... I couldn't understand why my high school boyfriend wanted nothing to do with me once we went to college. There have been many instances that I thought that my close friends would stay close.  

This career is a dream come true.  I have never met so many people that I have fallen in love with at first sight...men and women that make me laugh, make me cry, keep me in awe of their talent, touch me with their grace, blanket me in acceptance... but that love is so hard to hold on to.  It falls through your fingers so easily...  You get back to the city and people dissipate.  People go back to their lovers, their friends, their homes...and slowly you are left with people that you run into on the street with promises to meet for coffee or cocktails at some point.  Promises that you know won't be kept.  So you learn to let go?  You try to let go of people that you loved...people that meant something to you for a moment... people that have a new set of friends at a new job...    There is such a fine line between grasping on and letting go.  

I've always had the hardest time letting go.  Letting go of boyfriends, and lovers, and friends, and family, and dreams, and expectations, and ideas, and memories... maybe I am too sentimental. Maybe other people aren't sentimental enough. Maybe other people let go too easily...  Maybe people feel the pain of loss as sharply as I do...maybe they are waiting for my text as anxiously as I am awaiting theirs.  Maybe they don't feel anything.  Being an actor is a tough life.  Being a New Yorker is a tough life. It feels replaceable and transient.  It often feels lonely.  It requires sensitive people to grow a very thick skin.  Or shut down completely.  I've always felt like I am on the side of holding onto people for too long... And I never know whether that is a strength or a flaw.  Maybe it doesn't matter either way.  Because letting go is a part of this life... it doesn't matter if you are ready for it or not. People come and go, regardless.  And there isn't much that you can do, but roll with the punches. 

-e