It's Great (clap, clap) To Be (clap, clap) A Michigan Wolverine!

I don't know how I ended up at the University of Michigan.  It seems almost by accident.  But somehow it was the happiest of accidents.  I would think that anyone who knows me, even slightly, knows how much I love my alma mater.  It was truly one of the best periods of my life - I met so many of my forever friends,  I made ALL of the mistakes that taught me what kind of person I wanted to be, I was inspired, I was challenged....Would I make some changes if I had to do college all over again?  Probably yes.  But one thing that I would never change is the family I gained both at the University and in the Musical Theatre Department.

I have to admit, with sadness and regret,  that I have let some of those friendships fall by the wayside.  Never intentionally, but I also didn't put the effort in when I should have.  Some of that can be attributed to the fact that I have so often been out of town and on the road since graduating, but I'll own up and say that generous portion of it is just a straight up "my bad".  I waffled back and forth about attending Maize and Blue on Broadway last week.   Mr. Wagner (eek! Brent!?), the man that literally defined my time in the MT program - that terrified, inspired and encouraged me - is retiring and some of the graduates put together a big shindig to celebrate his tenure at the University and all of the lives and careers that he has shaped.  Did I want to go?  Would I feel small and unsuccessful in the face of so many incredible accomplished fellow graduates?  Would I know anyone?  Would anyone know me?  But my Mom talked some sense into me.  She essentially told me that this was a once in a life time experience and that of course I should go.  Because after all, like so many things, it wasn't actually about me.

Rehearsal at Telsey for the big finale of the show: 450 graduates singing "Sunday"
from SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH GEORGE

I am so happy that I did.  Because you know what I forgot while I was feeling insecure?  That difference - the MICHIGAN difference - is that it is a family. First of all, THE SHOW.  I couldn't have been more proud to see my people performing - my friends and classmates and people I barely knew but are STILL family.  Everyone was so good and full of joy.  And it was so humbling and emotional to remember exactly where we all came from.  Listening to songs that we are all sang in performance class, hearing the first notes of the gypsy overture, seeing Jerry Depuit playing the piano (my heart!), listening to Mr. Wagner (Brent...Brent...) speak from the stage with his sly sense of humor and his passion for the theatre and the students that he had helped mold into successful, respected adults.

The man, the myth, the legand himself - Mr. Brent Wagner

And then the PARTY.  It was so wonderful to see so many fellow wolverines.  And SO. MANY.  We  were told that about 450 graduates were there...over 3/4 of everyone that has ever graduated from the program!  And we TOOK OVER Hurley's.  It was packed.  And then best part of it all was getting to see and reconnect with so many of my classmates  (#mtgods).  Remember what a badass, oddball class we were??? It was a bit bittersweet knowing that I was going back to Chicago and not going to get to call up some of my classmates the next week and get together for a REAL catch up.

It was not even remotely enough time.  I didn't get to talk with everyone.  I didn't get to ask enough questions about what everyone was doing and see their new kids and laugh about old times.  But I'll take what I can get....  Because I left there feeling....well, a bit drunk.  But also ANYTHING but small, unsuccessful, and unsure. I felt loved and connected and a part of an incredible, supportive family.  One that I have too long taken for granted.  And hopefully never will again.  Because "Wherever you go, Go Blue." is not just a phrase we like to say, it is THE truth of going to UofM, something every graduate knows in their Maize and Blue colored hearts...




And now, for good measure, I give you some old pictures I found on Facebook...

The cast of A CHORUS LINE, 2004 

Starting our senior with our usual class and grace.

Senior Showcase.  Babies.

Again, all of the class and grace....we are drinking mimosas, after all....

I believe this our last get together at Mark Madama's house!

Typical afternoon hayride...No idea what year this was. Senior year?

Graduation 2006

(GO BLUE!)

So, Apparently No One Knows That I Moved to Chicago...

SURPRISE!!  I guess that I haven't written since August, sooooo...YIKES.  And I think that part of the reason for that has been the vast amount of change in my life these past few months.  And my terrified denial that these changes are happening.

I don't think that it's even been a secret that I am not New York City's biggest fan and that feeling only grew the longer that I stayed in the city.  Don't get me wrong, NYC has many wonderful attributes that I will always be fond of: impromptu brunch in the middle of the week, a giant sun setting over the skyline, the first day of spring-like weather in Sheepshead Meadow, flying into LaGuardia and seeing the lights of Manhattan beneath you as you pass over, the wonderful knowledge that ANYTHING could happen in the course of your day.  I will miss meeting my friends at all of my favorite Astoria hangouts, spending time in Astoria park, getting lost in the Botanical Gardens or the Bronx Zoo, receiving last minute tickets to a show....  Really, New York is magical. But I found that magic to be fading. And I don't need to sit here and list New York's downsides, anyone that's been there longer than a couple of years knows them well and there are no shortage of articles online with titles like "26 Reasons NYC Is the Worst" or "I Used to Love Her, But I Had to Flee Her" or "8.4 New Yorkers Suddenly Realize that New York is a Terrible Place to Live." (To the fair, that last one was an article in The Onion, but comedy is truth, people, comedy is truth....)

I guess that I just increasingly found it harder and harder to be happy in New York.  I found myself with a short temper, with no money in the bank, with a shoe box of an apartment (that was taking all of my money from the bank), with the constant feeling that I was failing at life and with the fear that I was becoming someone that I didn't really like very much.  I loved working out of town, if only to start seeing glimpses of the person that I used to and wanted to be.  New York is all about the hustle, and while that can be exhilarating, it is also exhausting.  And your friends are ALSO hustling, so finding time just to see them is a feat in and of itself, effectively negating THAT plus...

Now, I would categorize myself as a person that isn't a fan of "change".  It makes me uncomfortable, even when I know it is good change.  I've found myself in a moderate, completely unreasonable panic right before leaving home for a couple of months for a job.  I've avoiding breaking up with men,  just waiting until my indifference became so apparent that they did the duty for me.  And I stayed in NYC because I was supposed to, even while I was unmistakably miserable to anyone around me.

So I started to dip my toe in the water.  I started to dream about living elsewhere.  I started to fly home more often.  I started to audition in Chicago...and I booked a show.  They offered me a role in CITY OF ANGELS at the Marriott in Lincolnshire and it seemed like fate - and yet I still found myself resisting the very thing that I knew I wanted.  So I said to myself, "Ok, I know it's really hard to break into the Chicago scene, so if I book another show in Illinois, THEN I will take the leap and move." ....and then I did.  Without hardly trying, I was offered a track in A CHRISTMAS STORY that Nick, the director of COA, was doing in Decemeber - and I panicked, of course.  "Well, I mean....maybe like if I book ANOTHER one.  Like after this.  Maybe I will think about it?"  But you know, I am a strong believer in synchronicity and being gently led if you pay attention-and in this case, like always in my life, The Universe was not being subtle with me, the embodiment of one of my favorite Rumi quotes: "What you seek is seeking you."  I decided that I would move out of NYC for good when I went to start rehearsals in Illinois in December.

And yet I didn't really tell anyone.  I mean, my good friends knew and some of my family, but I just didn't talk about it otherwise.  Maybe because it felt so personal and my bravery felt so fragile.  Choosing to leave New York is so much bigger than just changing addresses - am I giving up on some dreams?  am I damaging relationships and letting go of important friendships?  will I still be able to wear disco pants and a crop top to brunch on a Tuesday after an impromptu sail on a semi-stranger's yacht the night before?  is this the end of adventures and the beginning of having to act my age?  I think that telling people meant that I couldn't back out, even after the movers came...even after my going away party....even after I signed a lease on a new apartment in Lincoln Square.  It's scary. I'm still scared.  But at least I can be scared in my giant bedroom...or my living room...or my dining room...or in one of my three closets... I don't know what's coming up.  I don't know what my life looks like right now.  But the fact that I can follow through on making this leap means that I am already one step closer to creating the life that I want to lead and becoming the person that I want to be - a woman that is brave and graceful and independent and kind and gets to go to her family's lake house on Memorial Days.  :)

-e

...In with the new (but LOL, this is so late...) aka Lighter Boots

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Yes it's March.  Sometimes I'm a late bloomer...I guess that a lot has been going on since my last post.  ...Back in December. Let's see...I went back on the tour for the beginning of January.  I have to admit that I was kind of over it at that point.  I still enjoyed doing the show, but it's really hard to come back for only about two weeks after being off for almost a full month.  And the travel on that last leg was ROUGH. Long flights, majorly delayed flights, a couple unacceptable hotels, MONTANA in the winter....Yeah, I was ready to come home.

So "See Ya, SJC Tour", "Hello (again), NYC".  So here I am back in the city. Starting a new year and a new chapter yet again.  I may have mentioned in a previous post that last year was just kind....so, so.  I felt like I started on such a good note and then just fell back on old habits and insecurities.  But hey, you just pick yourself up and dust yourself off and start again.  I'm not really one for New Year's Resolutions, but...actually I totally am.  I love the idea of getting a fresh start at the start of a new year, even if it is just an illusion.  So this year I made a list...things I wanted to get done, things I wanted to be... I have to say, so far I am nailing it.  Maybe I subconsciously waited til March to write this just to see how it all went...and you know what?  I actually think it's going really well!

2015 is the year of being happy and healthy.  I know, I know...isn't it always?  But listen, I absolutely believe in the power of the mind...call it the law of attraction or whatever (but not that "Secret" bullshit.) And I can occasionally be wishy washy, but when I do set something in my mind I am usually gonna somehow make it happen.  Things start to come out of the woodwork to aid me in my pursuit.  Which is exactly what happened these past couple of months...

First of all, let's talk about my friend Lindsey Clayton.  She's a star and she is someone with which I feel a definitely kinship.  We tend to be on the same page in life most of the time, for better or for worse.  So it wasn't a HUGE surprise when I came back home and Lindsey was also on a "happy and healthy 2015" kick - Lindsey had a major life change last year when she tore her ACL jokingly dancing to Taylor Swift (DAMN YOU, SWIFTY!) before one of her classes at Barry's Bootcamp and, as an in-demand trainer, it was really a huge blow that forced her to slow down and evaluate what was going on in her life. And while I didn't get injured this year, I kind of feel like I tore the ACL in my soul (**shhhhh....just go with it, move on.**) Things felt awkward and painful and stagnant.  I am reminded of a great metaphor in this book I'm reading right now. The main character, a young boy, often says that he gets "heavy boots" when things are tough.  And I get that. I had Heavy Boots for lots of last year.  But Lindsey had found and taken this Vedic Meditation course before I got home and told me that she thought that it would be my jam.  So I went and attended the Intro Talk with Emily Fletcher (a former Broadway performer) of Ziva Meditation.  I was sold in like 5 minutes and ended up taking the course that same week.  I'm not gonna get into the actual practice much, but it has definitely been just what I was looking for.  It always amazes me when things show up in my life that I literally just wrote down a few days or weeks before... I get a residual check in the mail when I have needed more money,  I book a show that asks me to dye my hair when I want to go from brunette to blonde, I get a job in Chicago just when I think I'd like to be home more often. It's really crazy.  And this practice has been kind of taking care of a lot of the esoteric New Year's goals that I wrote down a couple of months ago.  I have only been meditating for about a month, but I can't wait to be 3 months in...or 2 years in...or 10 years in.  And it's really nice to have a friend that is working towards the same goals I am...while still enjoying an OCCASIONAL (**shhhhh...just go with it, move on**) bottle of champagne.

I have a ways to go, and there are definitely things that I need to work out...but I feel awesome and in control and inspired! I also found a great Yoga Groupon, so I've been working on that...cooking more of my own food...taking care of my mental/physical/emotional health.  I've been working out a lot (again, huge kudos to Lindsey for always letting me use the comp to her class when I'm the most poor) and it feels good to be getting stronger and better and more grounded.  Cause, yeah, I know...New Year's Resolutions, Ugh! But isn't it better to at least TRY to be a better/stronger/healthier/happier/fitter/smarter/kinder/braver human this new year?  The other option doesn't really seem that appealing...

-e

Turn, Turn, Turn

I cannot BELIEVE that it is December!!  Time is just flying by these days...  It seams like people dread the coming of winter, or maybe people just love the camaraderie of complaining, but it is one of my favorite times of year.  I could never imagine living in a place that didn't have 4 separate seasons.  Is there anything better than that first Spring day that you can ditch your coat and rock that sundress (with an accessory of goose bumps, cause let's be honest...it's not QUITE warm enough for that yet.)?  Or the first middle of the day margarita with your friends in the summer?  Or how about that week that the city smells less like hot garbage and suddenly there is a crispness, a new-ness in the Autumn air?  Or, come one, that first beautiful snow!  That is my favorite.  There is nothing quite as magical as that, I don't care how much you "bah humbug" me...

Last year, I spent my fall and most of my winter doing a show down in Florida, wearing shorts and chilling on the beach.  Poor me.  And while I wasn't sad to miss the ensuing "Polar Vortex" that was to come, I did REALLY miss the wonderful transition from Summer to Fall to Winter.  I love the time from Thanksgiving to Christmas...  Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays.  It encompasses so many of my favorite things...Baking, entertaining, day drinking, eating copious amounts of food, friends/family, football, and falling asleep by 9pm.  BOOM.  And everyone knows that the day after Thanksgiving is the day that the Christmas season really starts!  Growing up, my family always went to Sinnissippi Christmas Tree Farm the weekend after TGives to cut down a tree and I have such fond memories of that.  Apple cider and doughnuts, clomping around in the mud, pushing each other into trees, being all bundled up, finding the PERFECT tree...  And that's also the weekend that it becomes acceptable to break out the Christmas tunes and unpack all of the ornaments and decorations.  It's beautiful, it's fresh, it's sparkling, and somehow just the right amount of all the bittersweet feelings (Bittersweet? Listen to "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" -  the Judy Garland, Meet Me in St Louis version.  I rest my case!)

Despite no one smiling, we all really had a great time. I swear.
Everyone was just really focused on eating.  

Last year, I got none of it!  It's just not the same in Florida when you go to a restaurant for Thanksgiving, buy a mini-tree from Wal-Mart and spend Christmas on the beach eating Chinese Food.  This year, all of my Rabid Martha Stewart Apartment Decorating had to be put on hold yet again, what with being on tour and all.   However, I did get to go home to New York this Thanksgiving which was just as great.  For the past few years, my friend Kris has been having us over for the BEST FriendsGiving and it's always amazing.  Smoked Turkeys, way too much food, so many laughs...its awesome.  And this year may have been the best yet!  Plus, Sarah, Vinny, Ashley, Ashley's Mom Mary, and I all headed up to Connecticut to cut down trees again.  This is the second time that we have been to Jones Family Farm and I can't recommend it enough.  They have SOOO many trees and it's super festive with gorgeous views, a Holiday Market, Wine Tasting and an outdoor bonfire.  Apparently, they also do pumpkin and berry picking the rest of the year...I'll have to get on that.  And then of course, we have the traditional trip to Olive Garden afterwards (no judgement.  Have you had the breadsticks lately??).  Lindsey was more of an "indoor girl" this year and she and Amber got their tree from the street corner so as not to have to commune with nature quite so much.  And they were nice to enough to let me help to decorate it with them while sipping some champs and watching White Christmas....Wonderful.  I was so happy to get my holiday groove on during my Thanksgiving layoff.  PLUS, I asked my parents to wait to decorate their tree til I got home for my Christmas Layoff.  My THREE WEEK Christmas Layoff! (Odd mixture of "yikes!" and "yay!") My mom was happy to oblige and she is super excited to have a helper for Christmas cookies again finally... Yeah, I have a feeling that I'm totally gonna get my fill of Christmas cheer this year!

When January and February roll around, you may have to remind me that I said I loved winter.  But this year has been so amazing and the good news and exciting surprises that keep rolling make me think that it's gonna take a lot more than some snow and chilly temps to wipe this smile off of my face!  (That's not a dare, Mother Nature!!)

-e

The Art of Letting Go

  Let's be honest. I have a pretty amazing life. It's mostly composed of flirting with handsome men (and sometimes they're even straight!), singing songs, going to new exciting places, meeting new people, and drinking at inappropriate times.  And that's great.  But there is a lot of the time that it is not so great...those men turned out to be cruel and unkind, those jobs that I really wanted ended up going to other people, and my bank account has hit rock bottom.  This has never been an easy career.  This has never been an easy city...not socially, not emotionally, and not financially.  But it is certainly exciting most of the time.

  I've found that this lifestyle has been both incredibly rewarding and incredibly painful.   You reach the highest heights and the lowest depths.  I tend to be a pretty happy person.  I have amazing friends, I have a great apartment, men like me, I love my neighborhood, I love my family, I'm nailing my haircut, my side job doesn't suck, I have a performing job waiting for me, there are at least 4 Thai Food joints in a block radius...things are good!  But again, things don't always turn out so rosy in this career...

One of the thing that I struggle with most in my life is the art of letting go. I find it to be incredibly difficult.  And I know that that many of my friends and colleagues don't feel the same way (while probably a lot do!). You make friends in a show, the job ends, and you move on.... But I have found that to be the most difficult part of being in this business.   Maybe the most difficult part of my life so far...

I remember being super attached to my stuffed animals as a child.  Like, SUPER attached.  I remember them being my best friends growing up. Those toys were my support group.  ...I remember thinking that my friends from elementary school were automatically going to be my friends at my new high school. I couldn't figure out why that wasn't the case... I couldn't understand why my high school boyfriend wanted nothing to do with me once we went to college. There have been many instances that I thought that my close friends would stay close.  

This career is a dream come true.  I have never met so many people that I have fallen in love with at first sight...men and women that make me laugh, make me cry, keep me in awe of their talent, touch me with their grace, blanket me in acceptance... but that love is so hard to hold on to.  It falls through your fingers so easily...  You get back to the city and people dissipate.  People go back to their lovers, their friends, their homes...and slowly you are left with people that you run into on the street with promises to meet for coffee or cocktails at some point.  Promises that you know won't be kept.  So you learn to let go?  You try to let go of people that you loved...people that meant something to you for a moment... people that have a new set of friends at a new job...    There is such a fine line between grasping on and letting go.  

I've always had the hardest time letting go.  Letting go of boyfriends, and lovers, and friends, and family, and dreams, and expectations, and ideas, and memories... maybe I am too sentimental. Maybe other people aren't sentimental enough. Maybe other people let go too easily...  Maybe people feel the pain of loss as sharply as I do...maybe they are waiting for my text as anxiously as I am awaiting theirs.  Maybe they don't feel anything.  Being an actor is a tough life.  Being a New Yorker is a tough life. It feels replaceable and transient.  It often feels lonely.  It requires sensitive people to grow a very thick skin.  Or shut down completely.  I've always felt like I am on the side of holding onto people for too long... And I never know whether that is a strength or a flaw.  Maybe it doesn't matter either way.  Because letting go is a part of this life... it doesn't matter if you are ready for it or not. People come and go, regardless.  And there isn't much that you can do, but roll with the punches. 

-e