The Art of Letting Go

  Let's be honest. I have a pretty amazing life. It's mostly composed of flirting with handsome men (and sometimes they're even straight!), singing songs, going to new exciting places, meeting new people, and drinking at inappropriate times.  And that's great.  But there is a lot of the time that it is not so great...those men turned out to be cruel and unkind, those jobs that I really wanted ended up going to other people, and my bank account has hit rock bottom.  This has never been an easy career.  This has never been an easy city...not socially, not emotionally, and not financially.  But it is certainly exciting most of the time.

  I've found that this lifestyle has been both incredibly rewarding and incredibly painful.   You reach the highest heights and the lowest depths.  I tend to be a pretty happy person.  I have amazing friends, I have a great apartment, men like me, I love my neighborhood, I love my family, I'm nailing my haircut, my side job doesn't suck, I have a performing job waiting for me, there are at least 4 Thai Food joints in a block radius...things are good!  But again, things don't always turn out so rosy in this career...

One of the thing that I struggle with most in my life is the art of letting go. I find it to be incredibly difficult.  And I know that that many of my friends and colleagues don't feel the same way (while probably a lot do!). You make friends in a show, the job ends, and you move on.... But I have found that to be the most difficult part of being in this business.   Maybe the most difficult part of my life so far...

I remember being super attached to my stuffed animals as a child.  Like, SUPER attached.  I remember them being my best friends growing up. Those toys were my support group.  ...I remember thinking that my friends from elementary school were automatically going to be my friends at my new high school. I couldn't figure out why that wasn't the case... I couldn't understand why my high school boyfriend wanted nothing to do with me once we went to college. There have been many instances that I thought that my close friends would stay close.  

This career is a dream come true.  I have never met so many people that I have fallen in love with at first sight...men and women that make me laugh, make me cry, keep me in awe of their talent, touch me with their grace, blanket me in acceptance... but that love is so hard to hold on to.  It falls through your fingers so easily...  You get back to the city and people dissipate.  People go back to their lovers, their friends, their homes...and slowly you are left with people that you run into on the street with promises to meet for coffee or cocktails at some point.  Promises that you know won't be kept.  So you learn to let go?  You try to let go of people that you loved...people that meant something to you for a moment... people that have a new set of friends at a new job...    There is such a fine line between grasping on and letting go.  

I've always had the hardest time letting go.  Letting go of boyfriends, and lovers, and friends, and family, and dreams, and expectations, and ideas, and memories... maybe I am too sentimental. Maybe other people aren't sentimental enough. Maybe other people let go too easily...  Maybe people feel the pain of loss as sharply as I do...maybe they are waiting for my text as anxiously as I am awaiting theirs.  Maybe they don't feel anything.  Being an actor is a tough life.  Being a New Yorker is a tough life. It feels replaceable and transient.  It often feels lonely.  It requires sensitive people to grow a very thick skin.  Or shut down completely.  I've always felt like I am on the side of holding onto people for too long... And I never know whether that is a strength or a flaw.  Maybe it doesn't matter either way.  Because letting go is a part of this life... it doesn't matter if you are ready for it or not. People come and go, regardless.  And there isn't much that you can do, but roll with the punches. 

-e