It's My One Year Mediversary

I woke up this morning, lay in bed, and scrolled through my email, pausing at one in particular - "Happy 1 Year Mediversary!". The email was from Emily Fletcher of Ziva Meditation, letting me know that, as of today, I have been meditating for an entire year.  It honestly feels like a second birthday in some ways - a benchmark at which to look back on my last 365 days.

I came to Emily last February after coming off of a tour that had left me feeling irritable, cynical and stressed.  I tend to be the one in a show that is excited for two show days and sad when the contract ends and enjoying every minute of employment, but this felt so different.  The tour schedule was grueling and it was sucking all of the enjoyment out of doing a show that I really loved to do.  It also didn't help that I was heading back to a city where I was accustomed to feeling tired, poor and angry. As fate would have it, I had drinks with my friend Lindsey Clayton who told me about a class she had just taken in Vedic Meditation.  I went to the Intro Meeting, and the rest was history...

Since that day, I have been meditating 20 minutes, twice a day.  It's been hard.  I've fallen off the wagon...  I've forgotten about my second meditation until I'm 3 mimosas into a Sunday brunch... I've wanted to watch TV/cook dinner/sleep longer instead of sitting with my eyes closed for a while.  But I've stuck with it and slowly but surely I've watched my life transform.  I'm not even sure that I can describe the difference because the changes have come so very gradually that they are almost imperceivable.  Emily talks about how people will come to her and say "My mantra isn't working...meditation isn't working." and she'll ask, "Well, how is your life?"  They often reply, "My life is going great, everything is working out wonderfully - I have a new boyfriend, and I changed careers and I'm really happy!  But my mantra...."  The point is-we meditate to get good at life, not to get good at meditation.

When I think back to a year ago, I am amazed at the difference.  I feel more gratitude, I feel less angry, I drink less, I am RARELY tired during the day, I sleep like a baby, I feel kinder and more empathetic, I am more in the moment, daily troubles don't bother me as much...I've somehow made big life decisions and followed my heart, taken leaps that I never would have taken before. Meditation is definitely helping me be better at life...  But I think that the biggest change for me has been how much kinder I am to myself.  That little voice in my head got a much needed attitude adjustment, ditched the negative self-talk, and became my biggest cheerleader.

By no means is the journey finished.  From what I'm told, it's a 10 year process AT LEAST! So I've barely scratched the surface.  But being a year in is such an accomplishment for me.  I've faltered, but I've stuck with it....and that is huge.  I'm proud of my 1 year Mediversary and I truly can't wait to see what the next 10 years bring...

And if you are interested, PLEASE check out zivameditation.com.  You won't be sorry! :)

So, Apparently No One Knows That I Moved to Chicago...

SURPRISE!!  I guess that I haven't written since August, sooooo...YIKES.  And I think that part of the reason for that has been the vast amount of change in my life these past few months.  And my terrified denial that these changes are happening.

I don't think that it's even been a secret that I am not New York City's biggest fan and that feeling only grew the longer that I stayed in the city.  Don't get me wrong, NYC has many wonderful attributes that I will always be fond of: impromptu brunch in the middle of the week, a giant sun setting over the skyline, the first day of spring-like weather in Sheepshead Meadow, flying into LaGuardia and seeing the lights of Manhattan beneath you as you pass over, the wonderful knowledge that ANYTHING could happen in the course of your day.  I will miss meeting my friends at all of my favorite Astoria hangouts, spending time in Astoria park, getting lost in the Botanical Gardens or the Bronx Zoo, receiving last minute tickets to a show....  Really, New York is magical. But I found that magic to be fading. And I don't need to sit here and list New York's downsides, anyone that's been there longer than a couple of years knows them well and there are no shortage of articles online with titles like "26 Reasons NYC Is the Worst" or "I Used to Love Her, But I Had to Flee Her" or "8.4 New Yorkers Suddenly Realize that New York is a Terrible Place to Live." (To the fair, that last one was an article in The Onion, but comedy is truth, people, comedy is truth....)

I guess that I just increasingly found it harder and harder to be happy in New York.  I found myself with a short temper, with no money in the bank, with a shoe box of an apartment (that was taking all of my money from the bank), with the constant feeling that I was failing at life and with the fear that I was becoming someone that I didn't really like very much.  I loved working out of town, if only to start seeing glimpses of the person that I used to and wanted to be.  New York is all about the hustle, and while that can be exhilarating, it is also exhausting.  And your friends are ALSO hustling, so finding time just to see them is a feat in and of itself, effectively negating THAT plus...

Now, I would categorize myself as a person that isn't a fan of "change".  It makes me uncomfortable, even when I know it is good change.  I've found myself in a moderate, completely unreasonable panic right before leaving home for a couple of months for a job.  I've avoiding breaking up with men,  just waiting until my indifference became so apparent that they did the duty for me.  And I stayed in NYC because I was supposed to, even while I was unmistakably miserable to anyone around me.

So I started to dip my toe in the water.  I started to dream about living elsewhere.  I started to fly home more often.  I started to audition in Chicago...and I booked a show.  They offered me a role in CITY OF ANGELS at the Marriott in Lincolnshire and it seemed like fate - and yet I still found myself resisting the very thing that I knew I wanted.  So I said to myself, "Ok, I know it's really hard to break into the Chicago scene, so if I book another show in Illinois, THEN I will take the leap and move." ....and then I did.  Without hardly trying, I was offered a track in A CHRISTMAS STORY that Nick, the director of COA, was doing in Decemeber - and I panicked, of course.  "Well, I mean....maybe like if I book ANOTHER one.  Like after this.  Maybe I will think about it?"  But you know, I am a strong believer in synchronicity and being gently led if you pay attention-and in this case, like always in my life, The Universe was not being subtle with me, the embodiment of one of my favorite Rumi quotes: "What you seek is seeking you."  I decided that I would move out of NYC for good when I went to start rehearsals in Illinois in December.

And yet I didn't really tell anyone.  I mean, my good friends knew and some of my family, but I just didn't talk about it otherwise.  Maybe because it felt so personal and my bravery felt so fragile.  Choosing to leave New York is so much bigger than just changing addresses - am I giving up on some dreams?  am I damaging relationships and letting go of important friendships?  will I still be able to wear disco pants and a crop top to brunch on a Tuesday after an impromptu sail on a semi-stranger's yacht the night before?  is this the end of adventures and the beginning of having to act my age?  I think that telling people meant that I couldn't back out, even after the movers came...even after my going away party....even after I signed a lease on a new apartment in Lincoln Square.  It's scary. I'm still scared.  But at least I can be scared in my giant bedroom...or my living room...or my dining room...or in one of my three closets... I don't know what's coming up.  I don't know what my life looks like right now.  But the fact that I can follow through on making this leap means that I am already one step closer to creating the life that I want to lead and becoming the person that I want to be - a woman that is brave and graceful and independent and kind and gets to go to her family's lake house on Memorial Days.  :)

-e

The Enemy of Good

"Don't let Perfect be the enemy of Good."

This phrase seems to be popping into my brain fairly often these days.  Sort of a like a mantra.  "Don't let perfect be the enemy of good..."  It seems to apply to so many different situations and yet it seems to be an area in which I am so severely lacking (even in this, I am hard on myself!  Oh, the irony!). 

As I recently turned 30 (and by "recently" I mean about a year and some change ago...), I am realizing that I cannot and don't really WANT to eat the same way that I used to.  I spent most of my twenties housing pizzas and noodles and cookies and margaritas like it was my job and was still able to stay slim and trim. Only now, I am finding that a rockin' bod and tip top health/wellness aren't quite so inevitable.  I've been working on eating cleaner and more whole foods, but it is really hard to change old habits.  I know that this is true for a lot of people.  I often do so well during most of the day, but I find it so hard to be perfect.  I ruin it by getting drinks with friends...or giving into that slice of pie at Martha's Bakery...or treating myself to some Mac and Cheese and wine for a night in.  DAMMIT.  I just can't seem to have any sort of willpower.  

I clean my whole apartment.  I take a whole day to tidy up, clean the bathroom, wash the floors, dust, organize, and get rid of clutter.  I stand there and proudly look at my magazine ready home and I think "I'm gonna always keep it this clean.  If I clean up a little every night, it will always stay perfect..."  And then life gets in the way and I get busy or I get lazy and my laundry overflows and my mail piles up and I forget to make my bed and little by little it's back to square one.  And I feel bad, because my apartment is never going to look like a magazine picture.  

I learned to meditate last year with Ziva Meditation, and come to think of it, this is one of the places that this phrase has popped up for me.  With this practice, one meditates twice a day, every day for 20 minutes.  And for about 3 months, I was close to flawless.  Close to perfect.  And then I went to Illinois for a gig and I wasn't living alone anymore and I didn't have my normal schedule and it became easier and easier to skip meditations, til it had been a week or more since the last time that I "got to the chair".  FAIL.  

I make mistakes in relationships that I've made a thousand times before.

I spend money that I shouldn't have spent.

I get to an audition only to wish that I had prepared more.

I try and try to be kinder, only to snap at a well meaning friend. 

I fail and I fail and I fail and I fail.

And I feel bad about myself.  

But why do I feel so bad about myself??  Why, when I keep trying?  I may give in and have a fatty day, but that doesn't negate all of the brussels sprout and greek yogurt and veggie burgers I've eaten.  I may have slipped up in my meditation, but that doesn't mean that I haven't gotten any benefits already or that I can't start again and recommit.  I can prepare for an audition as much as possible, but that doesn't mean that my performance is going to be without mistakes.  

The idea of "perfection" is great for which to strive.  But not if it's going to inescapably cause us to feel like we are failing because that allows us to overlook the progress that we really are making.  If I set out to exercise every day and I miss a day, do those other work out sessions not count?  NO!  It is still way better than nothing and if we quit because we are so discouraged over our "failure" we get just that.  We get NOTHING.  So I welcome this quote rolling through my brain in those frustrating times when I am getting down on myself for making mistakes and misteps..."Don't let Perfect be the enemy of Good." Cause perfection is no fun anyway :)

 And all of this reminds me of another favorite quote of mine, by Ralph Waldo Emerson...

"Finish each day and be done with it.

You have done what you could.

Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in;

forget them as soon as you can.

Tomorrow is a new day.

You shall begin is serenely and with too high a spirit

to be encumbered with you old nonsense."

-e

Family

Today I flew back to NYC after spending a couple of months at Ryan and Sadie's in Illinois.  I have to say, I felt a bit sad looking out the window of the plane waiting to take off.  I had such a great summer and although I knew I would enjoy being home for the summer, I just didn't expect it to work out so perfectly and wonderfully.  My sister-in-law, Sadie posted the sweetest blog post today and it surprised me and utterly made my day.  The whole time I felt like I was the one that was getting the sweet deal!  I felt like I was so lucky that they offered to let me live there for 2 months....that's a pretty big imposition on my part!  And I was so, so happy to get to spend time with both of them and my niece, Abby, as well as welcoming my niece, Hazel, who was born midway through! They would joked about me being the "live-in nanny", but I was so happy to spend time with them and it never once felt like a "duty".  More than anything, I was nervous that I would be underfoot all the time or they would get annoyed with me!

Let's talk about how awesome my nieces are.  Abby is the funniest, sweetest, chattiest, most imaginative little girl.  Even at her "terrible three's" sassiest, she is such a delight.  When she got her new swing set, she told me "Daddy made this!  This is the best swing set ever! This is my favorite!"  She exhibits such joy at seeing the people she loves...Mommy, Grandma, Bubby, Daddy, Grandpa, Pappa...and even Auntie Erin.  She is so smart!  And even though Hazel is just a few weeks old still, she is so fun to be around.  Such a good baby!  So content and snuggle-y!  I always wanted to hold her...I can't wait til we can play together and laugh together.  I can't wait to see what she is like...

And it was so nice getting to spend time with Sadie. Getting to know each other on a different level that has nothing to do with my brother or my nieces.  I feel like I made a friend that was beyond family.  Luckily, it is a relationship that doesn't need to end just because I am not longer living there... whether it is figuring out a new knitting pattern, watching bad TV, planning family events, laughing about the kids, talking about life...

I also got to do some "family" things that I have often missed out on.  I got to go on the cousins camping trip and spend time with a bunch of my favorite people and also attend my nieces' Christening/Birthday Party extravaganza.  It often feels like I don't get to participate in those things, like I am on the outside looking in. I miss out a lot and I felt so happy (weirdly happy?) to just be included.

So, thank you, Ryan and Sadie...for all of your beer that I drank, for all of the dinners you cooked me, for including me, and letting me be a part of your family.  Words can't express my gratitude.  You guys are stuck with me now. :)  (I'll be back!)

-e

A Procrastinator's Update

For a second, I was scared that my last post was when I wrote about New Year's Resolutions.  Now that ISN'T true (phew!) and I was so proud of myself...until I realized that my NY Resolution blog wasn't posted until March. MARCH!! Ha! I have a problem and it is called procrastination.

I can't tell you how many times the phrase "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." runs through my mind during my daily life.  I always have the best plans, ranging from volunteering in my community more...to throwing out that unidentified left-over in the back of the fridge...to sending a birthday card to a friend, and I'm ashamed to say that it often doesn't happen or happens waaaaayy later than it needs to.  

Don't be scared.  This post today is not as deep as it sounds.  It's just a few things that have been going on the past couple of months that I haven't jotted down because...procrastination.  And by the numbers...because I do love a list! :)

1.  I am an Auntie again!  I have loved being Auntie Erin to my awesome almost 3 year old niece, Abby.  And I am so very excited to add another little girl to the mix.  Hazel Frances McGrath was born on July 29th and she is wonderful!  It's hard to remember Abby ever being that tiny.  I've been staying with Ryan and Sadie and fam while I'm in town and I feel so lucky to be spending time with all of them.  It's a luxury that isn't often afforded to me since I'm usually all the way on the East Coast.  So hand over that crying baby, make room for two in that kiddie pool, and crack open another beer ("One for the ditch!") - I'm loving it all!!  Which brings me to...

2.  Only three weeks left of City of Angels!! I can't believe that this show has flown by so fast.  Already 6 weeks in and only 3 to go.  What a fun show to be a part of; a musical I have wanted to do for years now.  I'm so proud of what we have put together and so happy to have met the wonderful people that I share the stage with night after night.  And my track in the show is a cake walk....one song, no dancing, not even appearing on stage til 45 minutes in!  I'm getting spoiled.  This kind of career has it's ups and downs, but sometimes I sit at my dressing room station and feel like the luckiest girl in the world, getting to play pretend for a living.  I have to make a note to soundly enjoy the rest of this run as much as possible.

3.  The Blackhawks won another Stanley Cup!!!  Yay!!!!! ANOTHER one!  I'm pretty pumped to have been able to actually be in Chicago for this one, even if I did have to brave a monsoon to get to Trophy Room that night.  This hockey club reminds me so much of the old Bulls Dynasty of my youth...how it energized the city and gave everyone in and around Chicago something to look forward to and believe in.  I think that that is one of the best things about sports....but that is something I won't get into quite yet.  My sports obsession may need it's own post!  

4.  My Bahstie Bahst, Sarah, and her husband, Nick, are on TV!!!!  A few months ago, HGTV whisked them off to an unknown location to film and unknown series and now we are FINALLY getting to see what they are up to!  They are on this great show called "Beach Flip" where they are competing against other teams to see who can flip their beach house, room by room, for the most profit! They are two episodes in right now and I am SO SO proud of them!!  I will never forget a conversation I had with Sarah a couple of years ago when we were both out of work actors.  She said to me - "I just want to find another passion that I can somehow make into a career, but all I want to do is make my house pretty and organize things."  Well, girl...you are a professional organizer who is building a business with your husband in real estate and design while promoting a show on HGTV.  I guess that that's what they mean about putting something out in the Universe!  Can't wait to watch the rest of the season!!  You guys have come so far!  And stay tuned for my OTHER Bahst, Lindsey, to make her reality TV debut later this summer... #famousbyassociation

5.  I have watched ALL of "Game of Thrones", "The Jinx", and "True Detective" in the past 6 weeks.  My crowning achievements...don't hate!  And I plan to keep going.  Just have to decide which rabbit hole to dive into next... Suggestions???

6.  I have finished two knitting projects that I am really proud of!  See?? I wasn't JUST watching TV....I was also CREATING SOMETHING FROM A SINGLE PIECE OF STRING!  BOOOOM!!  I had been working on a baby blanket for the new baby for a a couple of months before I came out here and got it finished during some long City of Angels rehearsals and some late night "Game of Thrones" marathons.  Then I made my first winter hat!  It went so much quicker than anticipated, so I've now moved onto a matching scarf.  I may be actually getting the hang of this knitting thing (Cue a big tangled mess of string happening at any moment.  Knock on wood!)  Good thing I have a built in knitting tutor in Sadie! :)

Alright, I think that that is a good sampler of what's been going on with me these days! I can't promise that I'll be less of a procrastinator in the future, but I do promise to TRY.  Until next time!

-e

"You Wish You Were a Mile or So from Michigan Lake, Home with Your Mother and a T-Bone Steak"

Yep, I sure did title this blog post with a obscure Golden Age musical theatre lyric.  But it felt appropriate!

Here I am again, packing up my apartment and trying to fit all of my belongings into two suitcases (and keep them under 50 lbs!  Yee-gods!)  This time I am headed off to The Marriott Lincolnshire Theatre to play "Mallory Kingsley" in CITY OF ANGELS!  I've known about this gig for a while, having auditioned for the show somewhere in between one nighters on the SMOKEY JOE'S tour - and many of my friends and family have caught wind, but it always makes me feel weird and narcissistic to post an "announcement" on social media.  At the same time, it's also weird to just Irish Goodbye from the city and say nothing.  Amiright?

I'm super excited to be in Illinois doing this show.  It's a show that I have been wanting to do for so long, but no one really does it that often.  You know how certain things occur and it just seems like all of stars have aligned and the Universe is giving you everything that you wanted but couldn't figure out how to make happen?  (Are you following me, here?) Well, this is one of those times.  Working?  CHECK.  Doing a bucket list show?  CHECK. At a theatre I've been wanting to work at for a LONG time?  CHECK.  In Illinois near my family for the summer?  CHECK.  Getting to spend time with my Brother and Sister-In-Law and Niece and Yet-To-Be-Determined-New-Baby?  CHECK.  Spending time in Chicago and Koontz Lake, two of my favorite places?  CHECK! CHECK!!

Things have fallen into place wonderfully with this show, I'm almost afraid to jinx it!!  Oh, AND one of my favorite people, Meghan Murphy, is ALSO doing the show with me!!  (I really am gonna jinx this some how. )

So if you can come and see the show, please do!! We will be running from June 10th- Aug 2nd.
CITY OF ANGELS at The Marriott Theatre

And NYC?  I'll see you in August!

-e

I Officially Love Something Vegan

I know, I KNOW!!!  What self respecting Midwestern girl would EVER entertain a cheese-less mac and cheese?  But I've really been trying to add more variety (ie: things that aren't meat, cheese and bread) into my diet.  My recent trip to California to visit my friend Lauren really served as a great reminder that I really do enjoy a healthy, well made meal that accentuates the freshness and natural deliciousness of REAL food rather than relying on heavy sauces and fats and salts.  That and the lack of my Blue Apron meals this week were all of the encouragement that I needed to try a recipe that I had been eyeing  for weeks.

I am constantly on the prowl for a Mac and Cheese recipe that I don't need to feel guilty about.  Because I LOOOOOOOVE Mac and Cheese.  It's like my desert island food.  I love it.  I could eat it everyday.  But healthy hacks always seem to fall short...I miss the creaminess and the comforting flavor and texture.  I was really beginning to think that it was a hopeless quest...

BUT (!), I recently discovered a Blog called Cookies to Kale that an acquaintance of mine, Synthia Link, runs.  I met Synthia while working on a choreographer showcase situation for Chet Walker and have since kept running into her at various fitness classes around the city.  She's the kind of girl that you look at her and think "What the hell does she do to look so good?  I need to know what she eats IMMEDIATELY." You know, the whole Slender/Strong/Ballerina/Rockette body type.  Luckily, she has started sharing some great recipes on her website...recipes that are often dairy/nut/meat free.  So naturally I expected it to be....healthy tasting.  I know you know what I mean.  But this Vegan Mac and Cheese, blew me away...and I can't WAIT to try more of her meals soon!

VEGAN MAC AND CHEESE
 http://www.cookiestokale.com/vegan-mac-and-cheese/

A delicious vegan mac and cheese that is kid friendly and easy to make! Fat free, vegan, gluten free, sugar free, grain free, and nut free!

Author: Cookies to Kale

Recipe type: Dinner

Cuisine: Vegan

INGREDIENTS

• 1 small head of cauliflower, chopped
• 1¼ cup butternut squash, chopped
• 1 tspn salt
• 1 cup nutritional yeast (you can use parm. cheese if you eat dairy)
• 1 garlic clove, minced
• 2½ TBS lemon juice
• ½ tsp garlic powder
• ½ tsp onion powder
• ¼ tsp turmeric powder
• ½ tsp mustard powder
• 1½-2 cup unsweetened coconut milk (or milk of choice)
• 1½ tsp Dijon mustard
• ¼ cup broccoli, chopped
• your favorite pasta (I used quinoa pasta)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Spray a large pot with non stick cooking spray
2. Add minced garlic and cook for about 3 minutes
3. Next, add coconut milk, cauliflower and butternut squash, cover and bring to a boil
4. Once boiling, turn heat down to a simmer (leave covered)
5. Allow to cook (about 25 minutes) or until veggies are soft
6. Once soft, transfer contents of pot to a blender
7. Add remaining ingredients and blend on high
8. Cook pasta according to directions
9. While pasta is cooking, add broccoli (to the boiling pasta pot) and allow to cook until pasta is done
10. drain water
11. add desired amount of sauce
12. ENJOY! 

Now, confession time...I DID opt to go with the Parmesan Cheese option, so I guess mine wasn't TOTALLY vegan, but I really think that the full vegan option would be JUST as delicious.  Easy, creamy, tasty, deceptively rich...you'd never know if was full of veggies! (Even the Murphy family contingent would love it!)  Synthia, you knocked it out of the park!

Don't forget to stop over to Cookies to Kale to check out of even more nutritious and delicious recipes!!

-e