I don't think that it's even been a secret that I am not New York City's biggest fan and that feeling only grew the longer that I stayed in the city. Don't get me wrong, NYC has many wonderful attributes that I will always be fond of: impromptu brunch in the middle of the week, a giant sun setting over the skyline, the first day of spring-like weather in Sheepshead Meadow, flying into LaGuardia and seeing the lights of Manhattan beneath you as you pass over, the wonderful knowledge that ANYTHING could happen in the course of your day. I will miss meeting my friends at all of my favorite Astoria hangouts, spending time in Astoria park, getting lost in the Botanical Gardens or the Bronx Zoo, receiving last minute tickets to a show.... Really, New York is magical. But I found that magic to be fading. And I don't need to sit here and list New York's downsides, anyone that's been there longer than a couple of years knows them well and there are no shortage of articles online with titles like "26 Reasons NYC Is the Worst" or "I Used to Love Her, But I Had to Flee Her" or "8.4 New Yorkers Suddenly Realize that New York is a Terrible Place to Live." (To the fair, that last one was an article in The Onion, but comedy is truth, people, comedy is truth....)
I guess that I just increasingly found it harder and harder to be happy in New York. I found myself with a short temper, with no money in the bank, with a shoe box of an apartment (that was taking all of my money from the bank), with the constant feeling that I was failing at life and with the fear that I was becoming someone that I didn't really like very much. I loved working out of town, if only to start seeing glimpses of the person that I used to and wanted to be. New York is all about the hustle, and while that can be exhilarating, it is also exhausting. And your friends are ALSO hustling, so finding time just to see them is a feat in and of itself, effectively negating THAT plus...
Now, I would categorize myself as a person that isn't a fan of "change". It makes me uncomfortable, even when I know it is good change. I've found myself in a moderate, completely unreasonable panic right before leaving home for a couple of months for a job. I've avoiding breaking up with men, just waiting until my indifference became so apparent that they did the duty for me. And I stayed in NYC because I was supposed to, even while I was unmistakably miserable to anyone around me.
So I started to dip my toe in the water. I started to dream about living elsewhere. I started to fly home more often. I started to audition in Chicago...and I booked a show. They offered me a role in CITY OF ANGELS at the Marriott in Lincolnshire and it seemed like fate - and yet I still found myself resisting the very thing that I knew I wanted. So I said to myself, "Ok, I know it's really hard to break into the Chicago scene, so if I book another show in Illinois, THEN I will take the leap and move." ....and then I did. Without hardly trying, I was offered a track in A CHRISTMAS STORY that Nick, the director of COA, was doing in Decemeber - and I panicked, of course. "Well, I mean....maybe like if I book ANOTHER one. Like after this. Maybe I will think about it?" But you know, I am a strong believer in synchronicity and being gently led if you pay attention-and in this case, like always in my life, The Universe was not being subtle with me, the embodiment of one of my favorite Rumi quotes: "What you seek is seeking you." I decided that I would move out of NYC for good when I went to start rehearsals in Illinois in December.
And yet I didn't really tell anyone. I mean, my good friends knew and some of my family, but I just didn't talk about it otherwise. Maybe because it felt so personal and my bravery felt so fragile. Choosing to leave New York is so much bigger than just changing addresses - am I giving up on some dreams? am I damaging relationships and letting go of important friendships? will I still be able to wear disco pants and a crop top to brunch on a Tuesday after an impromptu sail on a semi-stranger's yacht the night before? is this the end of adventures and the beginning of having to act my age? I think that telling people meant that I couldn't back out, even after the movers came...even after my going away party....even after I signed a lease on a new apartment in Lincoln Square. It's scary. I'm still scared. But at least I can be scared in my giant bedroom...or my living room...or my dining room...or in one of my three closets... I don't know what's coming up. I don't know what my life looks like right now. But the fact that I can follow through on making this leap means that I am already one step closer to creating the life that I want to lead and becoming the person that I want to be - a woman that is brave and graceful and independent and kind and gets to go to her family's lake house on Memorial Days. :)
-e
