It's Great (clap, clap) To Be (clap, clap) A Michigan Wolverine!

I don't know how I ended up at the University of Michigan.  It seems almost by accident.  But somehow it was the happiest of accidents.  I would think that anyone who knows me, even slightly, knows how much I love my alma mater.  It was truly one of the best periods of my life - I met so many of my forever friends,  I made ALL of the mistakes that taught me what kind of person I wanted to be, I was inspired, I was challenged....Would I make some changes if I had to do college all over again?  Probably yes.  But one thing that I would never change is the family I gained both at the University and in the Musical Theatre Department.

I have to admit, with sadness and regret,  that I have let some of those friendships fall by the wayside.  Never intentionally, but I also didn't put the effort in when I should have.  Some of that can be attributed to the fact that I have so often been out of town and on the road since graduating, but I'll own up and say that generous portion of it is just a straight up "my bad".  I waffled back and forth about attending Maize and Blue on Broadway last week.   Mr. Wagner (eek! Brent!?), the man that literally defined my time in the MT program - that terrified, inspired and encouraged me - is retiring and some of the graduates put together a big shindig to celebrate his tenure at the University and all of the lives and careers that he has shaped.  Did I want to go?  Would I feel small and unsuccessful in the face of so many incredible accomplished fellow graduates?  Would I know anyone?  Would anyone know me?  But my Mom talked some sense into me.  She essentially told me that this was a once in a life time experience and that of course I should go.  Because after all, like so many things, it wasn't actually about me.

Rehearsal at Telsey for the big finale of the show: 450 graduates singing "Sunday"
from SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH GEORGE

I am so happy that I did.  Because you know what I forgot while I was feeling insecure?  That difference - the MICHIGAN difference - is that it is a family. First of all, THE SHOW.  I couldn't have been more proud to see my people performing - my friends and classmates and people I barely knew but are STILL family.  Everyone was so good and full of joy.  And it was so humbling and emotional to remember exactly where we all came from.  Listening to songs that we are all sang in performance class, hearing the first notes of the gypsy overture, seeing Jerry Depuit playing the piano (my heart!), listening to Mr. Wagner (Brent...Brent...) speak from the stage with his sly sense of humor and his passion for the theatre and the students that he had helped mold into successful, respected adults.

The man, the myth, the legand himself - Mr. Brent Wagner

And then the PARTY.  It was so wonderful to see so many fellow wolverines.  And SO. MANY.  We  were told that about 450 graduates were there...over 3/4 of everyone that has ever graduated from the program!  And we TOOK OVER Hurley's.  It was packed.  And then best part of it all was getting to see and reconnect with so many of my classmates  (#mtgods).  Remember what a badass, oddball class we were??? It was a bit bittersweet knowing that I was going back to Chicago and not going to get to call up some of my classmates the next week and get together for a REAL catch up.

It was not even remotely enough time.  I didn't get to talk with everyone.  I didn't get to ask enough questions about what everyone was doing and see their new kids and laugh about old times.  But I'll take what I can get....  Because I left there feeling....well, a bit drunk.  But also ANYTHING but small, unsuccessful, and unsure. I felt loved and connected and a part of an incredible, supportive family.  One that I have too long taken for granted.  And hopefully never will again.  Because "Wherever you go, Go Blue." is not just a phrase we like to say, it is THE truth of going to UofM, something every graduate knows in their Maize and Blue colored hearts...




And now, for good measure, I give you some old pictures I found on Facebook...

The cast of A CHORUS LINE, 2004 

Starting our senior with our usual class and grace.

Senior Showcase.  Babies.

Again, all of the class and grace....we are drinking mimosas, after all....

I believe this our last get together at Mark Madama's house!

Typical afternoon hayride...No idea what year this was. Senior year?

Graduation 2006

(GO BLUE!)

Nesting

What can I say, I like to nest.  I like feeling "at home".  (Oddly enough, one of the places I feel most at home is in a mediocre hotel room...ah, the life of a gypsy.)  I am not a person that leaves the walls bare, the rooms unpainted or the nooks undecorated...even in a rental.  So it's been about two months in my new Chicago digs, so I thought that I would give everyone a peak at the progress so far!  It's by no means finished yet, but it's definitely starting to feel like my little nest. :)

A little partial view of the kitchen
on the day that I looked at the apt

Pre-Move In Dining Room

How to get new furniture when funds are low?
Just spend hours and lots of elbow grease rehabbing OLD
furniture! (Kitchen table seen here!)

My brother helped me out with the furniture
reb

Staining the $50 buffet that I found at a thrift store!

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THIS group is the best.  They moved me into my apartment while I wasn't even there!!  

Aftermath of moving.

Living Room in progress

Bedroom in progress

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Dining Room

Bedroom is my favorite place in the apt.

Bedroom Succulents 

Living Room Bookshelf

Anyway...Here it is!  Isn't it wonderful??  It's even changed some since I took these pictures the other day... so I guess you'll just have to stop by to keep updated!

It's My One Year Mediversary

I woke up this morning, lay in bed, and scrolled through my email, pausing at one in particular - "Happy 1 Year Mediversary!". The email was from Emily Fletcher of Ziva Meditation, letting me know that, as of today, I have been meditating for an entire year.  It honestly feels like a second birthday in some ways - a benchmark at which to look back on my last 365 days.

I came to Emily last February after coming off of a tour that had left me feeling irritable, cynical and stressed.  I tend to be the one in a show that is excited for two show days and sad when the contract ends and enjoying every minute of employment, but this felt so different.  The tour schedule was grueling and it was sucking all of the enjoyment out of doing a show that I really loved to do.  It also didn't help that I was heading back to a city where I was accustomed to feeling tired, poor and angry. As fate would have it, I had drinks with my friend Lindsey Clayton who told me about a class she had just taken in Vedic Meditation.  I went to the Intro Meeting, and the rest was history...

Since that day, I have been meditating 20 minutes, twice a day.  It's been hard.  I've fallen off the wagon...  I've forgotten about my second meditation until I'm 3 mimosas into a Sunday brunch... I've wanted to watch TV/cook dinner/sleep longer instead of sitting with my eyes closed for a while.  But I've stuck with it and slowly but surely I've watched my life transform.  I'm not even sure that I can describe the difference because the changes have come so very gradually that they are almost imperceivable.  Emily talks about how people will come to her and say "My mantra isn't working...meditation isn't working." and she'll ask, "Well, how is your life?"  They often reply, "My life is going great, everything is working out wonderfully - I have a new boyfriend, and I changed careers and I'm really happy!  But my mantra...."  The point is-we meditate to get good at life, not to get good at meditation.

When I think back to a year ago, I am amazed at the difference.  I feel more gratitude, I feel less angry, I drink less, I am RARELY tired during the day, I sleep like a baby, I feel kinder and more empathetic, I am more in the moment, daily troubles don't bother me as much...I've somehow made big life decisions and followed my heart, taken leaps that I never would have taken before. Meditation is definitely helping me be better at life...  But I think that the biggest change for me has been how much kinder I am to myself.  That little voice in my head got a much needed attitude adjustment, ditched the negative self-talk, and became my biggest cheerleader.

By no means is the journey finished.  From what I'm told, it's a 10 year process AT LEAST! So I've barely scratched the surface.  But being a year in is such an accomplishment for me.  I've faltered, but I've stuck with it....and that is huge.  I'm proud of my 1 year Mediversary and I truly can't wait to see what the next 10 years bring...

And if you are interested, PLEASE check out zivameditation.com.  You won't be sorry! :)

So, Apparently No One Knows That I Moved to Chicago...

SURPRISE!!  I guess that I haven't written since August, sooooo...YIKES.  And I think that part of the reason for that has been the vast amount of change in my life these past few months.  And my terrified denial that these changes are happening.

I don't think that it's even been a secret that I am not New York City's biggest fan and that feeling only grew the longer that I stayed in the city.  Don't get me wrong, NYC has many wonderful attributes that I will always be fond of: impromptu brunch in the middle of the week, a giant sun setting over the skyline, the first day of spring-like weather in Sheepshead Meadow, flying into LaGuardia and seeing the lights of Manhattan beneath you as you pass over, the wonderful knowledge that ANYTHING could happen in the course of your day.  I will miss meeting my friends at all of my favorite Astoria hangouts, spending time in Astoria park, getting lost in the Botanical Gardens or the Bronx Zoo, receiving last minute tickets to a show....  Really, New York is magical. But I found that magic to be fading. And I don't need to sit here and list New York's downsides, anyone that's been there longer than a couple of years knows them well and there are no shortage of articles online with titles like "26 Reasons NYC Is the Worst" or "I Used to Love Her, But I Had to Flee Her" or "8.4 New Yorkers Suddenly Realize that New York is a Terrible Place to Live." (To the fair, that last one was an article in The Onion, but comedy is truth, people, comedy is truth....)

I guess that I just increasingly found it harder and harder to be happy in New York.  I found myself with a short temper, with no money in the bank, with a shoe box of an apartment (that was taking all of my money from the bank), with the constant feeling that I was failing at life and with the fear that I was becoming someone that I didn't really like very much.  I loved working out of town, if only to start seeing glimpses of the person that I used to and wanted to be.  New York is all about the hustle, and while that can be exhilarating, it is also exhausting.  And your friends are ALSO hustling, so finding time just to see them is a feat in and of itself, effectively negating THAT plus...

Now, I would categorize myself as a person that isn't a fan of "change".  It makes me uncomfortable, even when I know it is good change.  I've found myself in a moderate, completely unreasonable panic right before leaving home for a couple of months for a job.  I've avoiding breaking up with men,  just waiting until my indifference became so apparent that they did the duty for me.  And I stayed in NYC because I was supposed to, even while I was unmistakably miserable to anyone around me.

So I started to dip my toe in the water.  I started to dream about living elsewhere.  I started to fly home more often.  I started to audition in Chicago...and I booked a show.  They offered me a role in CITY OF ANGELS at the Marriott in Lincolnshire and it seemed like fate - and yet I still found myself resisting the very thing that I knew I wanted.  So I said to myself, "Ok, I know it's really hard to break into the Chicago scene, so if I book another show in Illinois, THEN I will take the leap and move." ....and then I did.  Without hardly trying, I was offered a track in A CHRISTMAS STORY that Nick, the director of COA, was doing in Decemeber - and I panicked, of course.  "Well, I mean....maybe like if I book ANOTHER one.  Like after this.  Maybe I will think about it?"  But you know, I am a strong believer in synchronicity and being gently led if you pay attention-and in this case, like always in my life, The Universe was not being subtle with me, the embodiment of one of my favorite Rumi quotes: "What you seek is seeking you."  I decided that I would move out of NYC for good when I went to start rehearsals in Illinois in December.

And yet I didn't really tell anyone.  I mean, my good friends knew and some of my family, but I just didn't talk about it otherwise.  Maybe because it felt so personal and my bravery felt so fragile.  Choosing to leave New York is so much bigger than just changing addresses - am I giving up on some dreams?  am I damaging relationships and letting go of important friendships?  will I still be able to wear disco pants and a crop top to brunch on a Tuesday after an impromptu sail on a semi-stranger's yacht the night before?  is this the end of adventures and the beginning of having to act my age?  I think that telling people meant that I couldn't back out, even after the movers came...even after my going away party....even after I signed a lease on a new apartment in Lincoln Square.  It's scary. I'm still scared.  But at least I can be scared in my giant bedroom...or my living room...or my dining room...or in one of my three closets... I don't know what's coming up.  I don't know what my life looks like right now.  But the fact that I can follow through on making this leap means that I am already one step closer to creating the life that I want to lead and becoming the person that I want to be - a woman that is brave and graceful and independent and kind and gets to go to her family's lake house on Memorial Days.  :)

-e