Back to Reality

I have not posted in a LOOOOONG time.  It's been a busy year, adjusting to living in a new city (or an old city, I suppose?).  Also, I am inherently lazy...I consider it a lovable quirk. :) But it really has been quite a year and I assume that 2017 is just gonna get crazier. So a quick recap post before getting back to regularly scheduled posts...hopefully.  Cause you know, laziness.

1.  By far, the best thing about being back in Chicago is getting to be with my family more often.  I've gotten to go out to the Lake a bunch this year, go on camping trips with my cousins, get dinner with my parents on random evenings, spend evenings just hanging out in Marengo at Ryan and Sadie's baller new house with them and the kids...  As much as I love doing family holidays and big events, I never realized how much I had missed out on while not being able to be a part of the small, everyday activities.  So yeah, the best thing.  Besides the three closets in my apartment, of course.
                                  


2.  I went to Idaho in August with my Dad and my brother for my Dad's 65th Birthday!  We flew into Spokane and drove out to a tiny town called Avery, ID.  One thing that we forgot while living in a state that is pretty flat is that mountains are things, rental car sedans are also things...but that doesn't mean those two things should mix.  Let's just say our late afternoon into late evening mountain pass did not go great.  But we made it and stayed in this great little cabin on the St. Joe River in the middle of nowhere.  We were there to ride the Hiawatha Trail, which is a stretch of old railroad tracks converted into a bike trail "15 miles long with 10 train tunnels and 7 sky-high trestles."  It's all slightly downhill, but then we decided that we should turn around and ride back up (slightly more difficult!)  But that beer in the parking lot was goooooooood then!  We also biked part of the Path of the Couer d'Alene around the Couer d'Alene lake on a whim.  The entire trip was awesome and having a chance to be in the actual wilderness, in the mountains and under the bright stars was thrilling.  I hope that I have another chance to get out that way at some point; there is still so many things I would like to explore!
                                    


3.  I also had the most fun doing a show this summer/fall at the Mercury Theatre called THE BARDY BUNCH - basically a musical parody that pits the Brady Bunch characters against the Partridge Family in crazy, Shakspearian plot lines.   It's just as crazy as it sounds...lots of laughs, lots of blood, lots of polyester. I played Laurie Partridge -  I had a great time doing the show and singing 70's songs all night, I got to pass myself off as a 16-year-old, AND I got to play with some of the best damn people ever.  Starting over in a new city isn't easy, especially when you left behind some friends that were closer to family. Luckily, I found some really good people that are quickly becoming really great friends.
                                       


4.  Ummmmm....REMEMBER WHEN THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES????  Honestly, one of the most awesome things I have ever experienced. That whole series was incredible, but the last game will go down in history as one of the best ever.  Never in my whole life have I thought, "Man, I really wish I could watch a rerun of an entire baseball game!", but I honestly would watch that game over and over and over again.  This city was electric, the joy was palpable, Lake Michigan was freezing.
                                   


5.  I've been "dating" this year.  I don't think I've ever actually DATED in my whole life... Stay tuned for awkward/hilarious stories, I'm sure.

6.  So....Trump. I won't get into here (for the time being), you can read my Facebook for that.  But I did want to talk about the Women's March on Washington.  When it was first being organized, I thought "I have to be there."  I have to do something besides just push send on Facebook.  I knew some friends from New York were gonna go and I figured I'd fly to NYC, drive up with them and kill a few birds with one trip.  The March was honestly awesome and inspiring and thought-provoking.  The sheer number of women (and men!) that got together to stand together was incredible! I saw every age, every size, every gender, every religion, every sexual orientation, every walk of life represented.  The March was peaceful, positive and cathartic.

 I had some people close to me ask, with genuine curiosity, why I went and if it even mattered.  It does matter, even if individual issues such as the refugee crisis, gay rights, racial discrimination, gender equality and access to healthcare don't' really affect your day to day life.  Because isn't that what gave rise to Nazi Germany?  Lots of "good" people averting their eyes while their neighbours and countrymen were discriminated against, treated like animals, taken away and ultimately extinguished - all because it didn't directly affect them or they may have even prospered from it.  So we marched to let our representatives know that not everyone is complacent and willing to turn a blind eye.  One of the most powerful moments for me was a man standing by himself along the March route with a poster.  I can't remember exactly what it said, but it was something along the lines of "I am a Syrian refugee and I thank you from the bottom of my heart".  As we passed - hundreds, thousands of us - we chanted "No hate, No fear...Refugees are welcome here."  All for this one man, who stood there looking amazed, so that he would know that we are not a nation that bows to fear and supports hatred.  It matters. And I got to hear Gloria Steinem speak. BOOM.

Other than that - it's January and I'm mostly hibernating and avoiding going outside.  So I'll see you all in April when the sun comes out again!

-e

It's Great (clap, clap) To Be (clap, clap) A Michigan Wolverine!

I don't know how I ended up at the University of Michigan.  It seems almost by accident.  But somehow it was the happiest of accidents.  I would think that anyone who knows me, even slightly, knows how much I love my alma mater.  It was truly one of the best periods of my life - I met so many of my forever friends,  I made ALL of the mistakes that taught me what kind of person I wanted to be, I was inspired, I was challenged....Would I make some changes if I had to do college all over again?  Probably yes.  But one thing that I would never change is the family I gained both at the University and in the Musical Theatre Department.

I have to admit, with sadness and regret,  that I have let some of those friendships fall by the wayside.  Never intentionally, but I also didn't put the effort in when I should have.  Some of that can be attributed to the fact that I have so often been out of town and on the road since graduating, but I'll own up and say that generous portion of it is just a straight up "my bad".  I waffled back and forth about attending Maize and Blue on Broadway last week.   Mr. Wagner (eek! Brent!?), the man that literally defined my time in the MT program - that terrified, inspired and encouraged me - is retiring and some of the graduates put together a big shindig to celebrate his tenure at the University and all of the lives and careers that he has shaped.  Did I want to go?  Would I feel small and unsuccessful in the face of so many incredible accomplished fellow graduates?  Would I know anyone?  Would anyone know me?  But my Mom talked some sense into me.  She essentially told me that this was a once in a life time experience and that of course I should go.  Because after all, like so many things, it wasn't actually about me.

Rehearsal at Telsey for the big finale of the show: 450 graduates singing "Sunday"
from SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH GEORGE

I am so happy that I did.  Because you know what I forgot while I was feeling insecure?  That difference - the MICHIGAN difference - is that it is a family. First of all, THE SHOW.  I couldn't have been more proud to see my people performing - my friends and classmates and people I barely knew but are STILL family.  Everyone was so good and full of joy.  And it was so humbling and emotional to remember exactly where we all came from.  Listening to songs that we are all sang in performance class, hearing the first notes of the gypsy overture, seeing Jerry Depuit playing the piano (my heart!), listening to Mr. Wagner (Brent...Brent...) speak from the stage with his sly sense of humor and his passion for the theatre and the students that he had helped mold into successful, respected adults.

The man, the myth, the legand himself - Mr. Brent Wagner

And then the PARTY.  It was so wonderful to see so many fellow wolverines.  And SO. MANY.  We  were told that about 450 graduates were there...over 3/4 of everyone that has ever graduated from the program!  And we TOOK OVER Hurley's.  It was packed.  And then best part of it all was getting to see and reconnect with so many of my classmates  (#mtgods).  Remember what a badass, oddball class we were??? It was a bit bittersweet knowing that I was going back to Chicago and not going to get to call up some of my classmates the next week and get together for a REAL catch up.

It was not even remotely enough time.  I didn't get to talk with everyone.  I didn't get to ask enough questions about what everyone was doing and see their new kids and laugh about old times.  But I'll take what I can get....  Because I left there feeling....well, a bit drunk.  But also ANYTHING but small, unsuccessful, and unsure. I felt loved and connected and a part of an incredible, supportive family.  One that I have too long taken for granted.  And hopefully never will again.  Because "Wherever you go, Go Blue." is not just a phrase we like to say, it is THE truth of going to UofM, something every graduate knows in their Maize and Blue colored hearts...




And now, for good measure, I give you some old pictures I found on Facebook...

The cast of A CHORUS LINE, 2004 

Starting our senior with our usual class and grace.

Senior Showcase.  Babies.

Again, all of the class and grace....we are drinking mimosas, after all....

I believe this our last get together at Mark Madama's house!

Typical afternoon hayride...No idea what year this was. Senior year?

Graduation 2006

(GO BLUE!)

Nesting

What can I say, I like to nest.  I like feeling "at home".  (Oddly enough, one of the places I feel most at home is in a mediocre hotel room...ah, the life of a gypsy.)  I am not a person that leaves the walls bare, the rooms unpainted or the nooks undecorated...even in a rental.  So it's been about two months in my new Chicago digs, so I thought that I would give everyone a peak at the progress so far!  It's by no means finished yet, but it's definitely starting to feel like my little nest. :)

A little partial view of the kitchen
on the day that I looked at the apt

Pre-Move In Dining Room

How to get new furniture when funds are low?
Just spend hours and lots of elbow grease rehabbing OLD
furniture! (Kitchen table seen here!)

My brother helped me out with the furniture
reb

Staining the $50 buffet that I found at a thrift store!

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THIS group is the best.  They moved me into my apartment while I wasn't even there!!  

Aftermath of moving.

Living Room in progress

Bedroom in progress

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Dining Room

Bedroom is my favorite place in the apt.

Bedroom Succulents 

Living Room Bookshelf

Anyway...Here it is!  Isn't it wonderful??  It's even changed some since I took these pictures the other day... so I guess you'll just have to stop by to keep updated!

It's My One Year Mediversary

I woke up this morning, lay in bed, and scrolled through my email, pausing at one in particular - "Happy 1 Year Mediversary!". The email was from Emily Fletcher of Ziva Meditation, letting me know that, as of today, I have been meditating for an entire year.  It honestly feels like a second birthday in some ways - a benchmark at which to look back on my last 365 days.

I came to Emily last February after coming off of a tour that had left me feeling irritable, cynical and stressed.  I tend to be the one in a show that is excited for two show days and sad when the contract ends and enjoying every minute of employment, but this felt so different.  The tour schedule was grueling and it was sucking all of the enjoyment out of doing a show that I really loved to do.  It also didn't help that I was heading back to a city where I was accustomed to feeling tired, poor and angry. As fate would have it, I had drinks with my friend Lindsey Clayton who told me about a class she had just taken in Vedic Meditation.  I went to the Intro Meeting, and the rest was history...

Since that day, I have been meditating 20 minutes, twice a day.  It's been hard.  I've fallen off the wagon...  I've forgotten about my second meditation until I'm 3 mimosas into a Sunday brunch... I've wanted to watch TV/cook dinner/sleep longer instead of sitting with my eyes closed for a while.  But I've stuck with it and slowly but surely I've watched my life transform.  I'm not even sure that I can describe the difference because the changes have come so very gradually that they are almost imperceivable.  Emily talks about how people will come to her and say "My mantra isn't working...meditation isn't working." and she'll ask, "Well, how is your life?"  They often reply, "My life is going great, everything is working out wonderfully - I have a new boyfriend, and I changed careers and I'm really happy!  But my mantra...."  The point is-we meditate to get good at life, not to get good at meditation.

When I think back to a year ago, I am amazed at the difference.  I feel more gratitude, I feel less angry, I drink less, I am RARELY tired during the day, I sleep like a baby, I feel kinder and more empathetic, I am more in the moment, daily troubles don't bother me as much...I've somehow made big life decisions and followed my heart, taken leaps that I never would have taken before. Meditation is definitely helping me be better at life...  But I think that the biggest change for me has been how much kinder I am to myself.  That little voice in my head got a much needed attitude adjustment, ditched the negative self-talk, and became my biggest cheerleader.

By no means is the journey finished.  From what I'm told, it's a 10 year process AT LEAST! So I've barely scratched the surface.  But being a year in is such an accomplishment for me.  I've faltered, but I've stuck with it....and that is huge.  I'm proud of my 1 year Mediversary and I truly can't wait to see what the next 10 years bring...

And if you are interested, PLEASE check out zivameditation.com.  You won't be sorry! :)

So, Apparently No One Knows That I Moved to Chicago...

SURPRISE!!  I guess that I haven't written since August, sooooo...YIKES.  And I think that part of the reason for that has been the vast amount of change in my life these past few months.  And my terrified denial that these changes are happening.

I don't think that it's even been a secret that I am not New York City's biggest fan and that feeling only grew the longer that I stayed in the city.  Don't get me wrong, NYC has many wonderful attributes that I will always be fond of: impromptu brunch in the middle of the week, a giant sun setting over the skyline, the first day of spring-like weather in Sheepshead Meadow, flying into LaGuardia and seeing the lights of Manhattan beneath you as you pass over, the wonderful knowledge that ANYTHING could happen in the course of your day.  I will miss meeting my friends at all of my favorite Astoria hangouts, spending time in Astoria park, getting lost in the Botanical Gardens or the Bronx Zoo, receiving last minute tickets to a show....  Really, New York is magical. But I found that magic to be fading. And I don't need to sit here and list New York's downsides, anyone that's been there longer than a couple of years knows them well and there are no shortage of articles online with titles like "26 Reasons NYC Is the Worst" or "I Used to Love Her, But I Had to Flee Her" or "8.4 New Yorkers Suddenly Realize that New York is a Terrible Place to Live." (To the fair, that last one was an article in The Onion, but comedy is truth, people, comedy is truth....)

I guess that I just increasingly found it harder and harder to be happy in New York.  I found myself with a short temper, with no money in the bank, with a shoe box of an apartment (that was taking all of my money from the bank), with the constant feeling that I was failing at life and with the fear that I was becoming someone that I didn't really like very much.  I loved working out of town, if only to start seeing glimpses of the person that I used to and wanted to be.  New York is all about the hustle, and while that can be exhilarating, it is also exhausting.  And your friends are ALSO hustling, so finding time just to see them is a feat in and of itself, effectively negating THAT plus...

Now, I would categorize myself as a person that isn't a fan of "change".  It makes me uncomfortable, even when I know it is good change.  I've found myself in a moderate, completely unreasonable panic right before leaving home for a couple of months for a job.  I've avoiding breaking up with men,  just waiting until my indifference became so apparent that they did the duty for me.  And I stayed in NYC because I was supposed to, even while I was unmistakably miserable to anyone around me.

So I started to dip my toe in the water.  I started to dream about living elsewhere.  I started to fly home more often.  I started to audition in Chicago...and I booked a show.  They offered me a role in CITY OF ANGELS at the Marriott in Lincolnshire and it seemed like fate - and yet I still found myself resisting the very thing that I knew I wanted.  So I said to myself, "Ok, I know it's really hard to break into the Chicago scene, so if I book another show in Illinois, THEN I will take the leap and move." ....and then I did.  Without hardly trying, I was offered a track in A CHRISTMAS STORY that Nick, the director of COA, was doing in Decemeber - and I panicked, of course.  "Well, I mean....maybe like if I book ANOTHER one.  Like after this.  Maybe I will think about it?"  But you know, I am a strong believer in synchronicity and being gently led if you pay attention-and in this case, like always in my life, The Universe was not being subtle with me, the embodiment of one of my favorite Rumi quotes: "What you seek is seeking you."  I decided that I would move out of NYC for good when I went to start rehearsals in Illinois in December.

And yet I didn't really tell anyone.  I mean, my good friends knew and some of my family, but I just didn't talk about it otherwise.  Maybe because it felt so personal and my bravery felt so fragile.  Choosing to leave New York is so much bigger than just changing addresses - am I giving up on some dreams?  am I damaging relationships and letting go of important friendships?  will I still be able to wear disco pants and a crop top to brunch on a Tuesday after an impromptu sail on a semi-stranger's yacht the night before?  is this the end of adventures and the beginning of having to act my age?  I think that telling people meant that I couldn't back out, even after the movers came...even after my going away party....even after I signed a lease on a new apartment in Lincoln Square.  It's scary. I'm still scared.  But at least I can be scared in my giant bedroom...or my living room...or my dining room...or in one of my three closets... I don't know what's coming up.  I don't know what my life looks like right now.  But the fact that I can follow through on making this leap means that I am already one step closer to creating the life that I want to lead and becoming the person that I want to be - a woman that is brave and graceful and independent and kind and gets to go to her family's lake house on Memorial Days.  :)

-e

The Enemy of Good

"Don't let Perfect be the enemy of Good."

This phrase seems to be popping into my brain fairly often these days.  Sort of a like a mantra.  "Don't let perfect be the enemy of good..."  It seems to apply to so many different situations and yet it seems to be an area in which I am so severely lacking (even in this, I am hard on myself!  Oh, the irony!). 

As I recently turned 30 (and by "recently" I mean about a year and some change ago...), I am realizing that I cannot and don't really WANT to eat the same way that I used to.  I spent most of my twenties housing pizzas and noodles and cookies and margaritas like it was my job and was still able to stay slim and trim. Only now, I am finding that a rockin' bod and tip top health/wellness aren't quite so inevitable.  I've been working on eating cleaner and more whole foods, but it is really hard to change old habits.  I know that this is true for a lot of people.  I often do so well during most of the day, but I find it so hard to be perfect.  I ruin it by getting drinks with friends...or giving into that slice of pie at Martha's Bakery...or treating myself to some Mac and Cheese and wine for a night in.  DAMMIT.  I just can't seem to have any sort of willpower.  

I clean my whole apartment.  I take a whole day to tidy up, clean the bathroom, wash the floors, dust, organize, and get rid of clutter.  I stand there and proudly look at my magazine ready home and I think "I'm gonna always keep it this clean.  If I clean up a little every night, it will always stay perfect..."  And then life gets in the way and I get busy or I get lazy and my laundry overflows and my mail piles up and I forget to make my bed and little by little it's back to square one.  And I feel bad, because my apartment is never going to look like a magazine picture.  

I learned to meditate last year with Ziva Meditation, and come to think of it, this is one of the places that this phrase has popped up for me.  With this practice, one meditates twice a day, every day for 20 minutes.  And for about 3 months, I was close to flawless.  Close to perfect.  And then I went to Illinois for a gig and I wasn't living alone anymore and I didn't have my normal schedule and it became easier and easier to skip meditations, til it had been a week or more since the last time that I "got to the chair".  FAIL.  

I make mistakes in relationships that I've made a thousand times before.

I spend money that I shouldn't have spent.

I get to an audition only to wish that I had prepared more.

I try and try to be kinder, only to snap at a well meaning friend. 

I fail and I fail and I fail and I fail.

And I feel bad about myself.  

But why do I feel so bad about myself??  Why, when I keep trying?  I may give in and have a fatty day, but that doesn't negate all of the brussels sprout and greek yogurt and veggie burgers I've eaten.  I may have slipped up in my meditation, but that doesn't mean that I haven't gotten any benefits already or that I can't start again and recommit.  I can prepare for an audition as much as possible, but that doesn't mean that my performance is going to be without mistakes.  

The idea of "perfection" is great for which to strive.  But not if it's going to inescapably cause us to feel like we are failing because that allows us to overlook the progress that we really are making.  If I set out to exercise every day and I miss a day, do those other work out sessions not count?  NO!  It is still way better than nothing and if we quit because we are so discouraged over our "failure" we get just that.  We get NOTHING.  So I welcome this quote rolling through my brain in those frustrating times when I am getting down on myself for making mistakes and misteps..."Don't let Perfect be the enemy of Good." Cause perfection is no fun anyway :)

 And all of this reminds me of another favorite quote of mine, by Ralph Waldo Emerson...

"Finish each day and be done with it.

You have done what you could.

Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in;

forget them as soon as you can.

Tomorrow is a new day.

You shall begin is serenely and with too high a spirit

to be encumbered with you old nonsense."

-e

Family

Today I flew back to NYC after spending a couple of months at Ryan and Sadie's in Illinois.  I have to say, I felt a bit sad looking out the window of the plane waiting to take off.  I had such a great summer and although I knew I would enjoy being home for the summer, I just didn't expect it to work out so perfectly and wonderfully.  My sister-in-law, Sadie posted the sweetest blog post today and it surprised me and utterly made my day.  The whole time I felt like I was the one that was getting the sweet deal!  I felt like I was so lucky that they offered to let me live there for 2 months....that's a pretty big imposition on my part!  And I was so, so happy to get to spend time with both of them and my niece, Abby, as well as welcoming my niece, Hazel, who was born midway through! They would joked about me being the "live-in nanny", but I was so happy to spend time with them and it never once felt like a "duty".  More than anything, I was nervous that I would be underfoot all the time or they would get annoyed with me!

Let's talk about how awesome my nieces are.  Abby is the funniest, sweetest, chattiest, most imaginative little girl.  Even at her "terrible three's" sassiest, she is such a delight.  When she got her new swing set, she told me "Daddy made this!  This is the best swing set ever! This is my favorite!"  She exhibits such joy at seeing the people she loves...Mommy, Grandma, Bubby, Daddy, Grandpa, Pappa...and even Auntie Erin.  She is so smart!  And even though Hazel is just a few weeks old still, she is so fun to be around.  Such a good baby!  So content and snuggle-y!  I always wanted to hold her...I can't wait til we can play together and laugh together.  I can't wait to see what she is like...

And it was so nice getting to spend time with Sadie. Getting to know each other on a different level that has nothing to do with my brother or my nieces.  I feel like I made a friend that was beyond family.  Luckily, it is a relationship that doesn't need to end just because I am not longer living there... whether it is figuring out a new knitting pattern, watching bad TV, planning family events, laughing about the kids, talking about life...

I also got to do some "family" things that I have often missed out on.  I got to go on the cousins camping trip and spend time with a bunch of my favorite people and also attend my nieces' Christening/Birthday Party extravaganza.  It often feels like I don't get to participate in those things, like I am on the outside looking in. I miss out a lot and I felt so happy (weirdly happy?) to just be included.

So, thank you, Ryan and Sadie...for all of your beer that I drank, for all of the dinners you cooked me, for including me, and letting me be a part of your family.  Words can't express my gratitude.  You guys are stuck with me now. :)  (I'll be back!)

-e